


From Darkness, Light

by disturbedbydesign



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies RPF, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Prostitution, Sex Addiction, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 03:55:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 41,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/605555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disturbedbydesign/pseuds/disturbedbydesign
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU Tom, in which he does not get the part of Loki in Thor and spirals out of control.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kenneth sat across from Tom in the dark pub, looking apologetic as he poured himself another glass of wine.

 

“I tried, Tom. I really did.” He took a sip and set his glass down on the table. “It’s nothing to do with you – you were brilliant – they just decided to go for star power over substance.”

 

Tom sat, swirling his scotch around in his glass before taking a hard gulp. He looked up at his mentor, rage in his eyes.

 

“So they had me bulk up and then slim down for what? Their own personal amusement?” His voice was rising in the otherwise quiet room and people were starting to stare. “You told me that part was mine to lose, and now you sit here and tell me I was brilliant and the decision had nothing to do with me? Is this some kind of joke?”

 

In all their years working together, Kenneth had never seen Tom this angry – his eyes were dark and his tone was bordering on frightening. Kenneth shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to think of words that might provide some comfort and reassurance.

 

“You know I believe in you, Tom. And I wish there was more I could do, but the studio has final say. It’s just one role. There will be others, believe me. You are one of the great talents of your generation and I know you’ll do great things. Perhaps it’s for the best – everything happens for a reason.”

 

Tom pounded the rest of his drink and slammed the glass down on the table so hard the glasses rattled. Kenneth jumped back in his seat and looked at him, horrified.

 

“Oh, spare me your banal platitudes.”

 

Tom burst from his seat and ripped his leather jacket off the back of his chair, knocking it to the ground.

 

“Fuck you, Ken,” he said, and stormed out without looking back.

 

*****

 

Liliana stared blank-faced at her employer, who was standing over her holding an empty pill bottle.

 

“I’ll bet you do have an explanation, Lil, but I’m sure it’s complete bollocks.”

 

“I swear, Martha, I have no idea…”

 

“Oh, put a sock in it. I trusted you, and what do you do? You sneak about stealing my mum’s medicine whilst she lay dying in the next room. The cancer is eating her from the inside out. She’s living out what few days she has in constant pain, and THESE,” she said, throwing the empty bottle at Liliana’s head, “are her only relief. So what do you need them for? To get stoned? Or do you sell them?”

 

Liliana opened her mouth to speak but was silenced by one brusque motion of Martha Marlowe’s hand.

 

“Just get your shit and get out. Out of the love I bore for your mother, may God rest her soul, I won’t call the police, but I never want to see you again.”

 

Liliana knew there was nothing she could say to weasel her way out of this one and she assented silently. She’d sold most of what she once owned, so it didn’t take her long to gather her remaining possessions into a bag and leave behind the house and family she’d come to know as home. The Marlowes had taken her in after her mother passed, screwed up as she was, and put a roof over her head. They’d trusted her with the care of their home and family. She could handle the displacement, it wasn’t the first time and she couldn’t imagine it would be the last – but the children…

 

She started to tear up thinking about the children. They were so pure, so loving. On the days when she felt numbest, when the pace of the world around her seemed to slow to a painful crawl, those children were the only thing that made her feel any semblance of humanity. They reminded her there was love and innocence left in the world; they reminded her that she, too, had been good once. God only knew what kind of monster Mrs. Marlowe would turn her into when the children asked where she’d gone to.

 

But, in truth, she was a monster. She couldn’t blame Mrs. Marlowe for putting her out on the street – she was just the latest in a long line of people Liliana had disappointed and betrayed. She started to feel the itch - that nagging agitation rising up inside her. It had been almost a full day since she’d last fixed and she had nothing left – no dope, no money, no family, no place to call home. Her only option was a dismal one, but she’d burned all her bridges at both ends and she had no other play.

 

She sighed as she heaved her bag securely onto her shoulder and set out to find Richard. It was 10:30 on a Friday night. She knew where he’d be.

 

*****

 

Tom felt like he was outside of himself as he stormed down the street. Passersby cursed him as he barreled into them without so much as a glance. He didn’t understand where his anger was coming from – he’d been in the business for long enough to have known his share of rejection – but this time he couldn’t let it go. He knew it wasn’t fair of him to take it out on Ken, but he couldn’t help but feel like he had been toyed with. He respected Ken and loved him like a father, but he could have reached across the table and strangled him within an inch of his life that night. Tom hadn’t felt this kind of unbridled rage in a very long time, and he knew there was only one way to fix it.

 

He’d quit smoking quite some time ago, but he found himself in a cab with a pack of Mayfairs and a matchbook in his pocket, headed toward Soho. It wasn’t what it once was, but the dark side was there if you knew where to look – and he did. He’d stumbled upon Dirty Dick’s in his younger days, when a classmate’s older brother and his mates decided it would be fun to take a few unsuspecting young virgins on a bit of a field trip. Tom remembered being both curious and horrified entering the brothel. There were women for sale everywhere – some seemingly as young as himself. Some were old and used up, some were fresh-faced and beautiful. It was the sight of those lovely, young girls that disturbed him the most. He had led a mostly privileged and happy life, and he remembered feeling an overwhelming sadness thinking about what sort of awful circumstances must have landed these girls in a place like Dick’s. He had felt sick to his stomach and bolted out of the place, leaving his mates to their own devices, determined never to return.

 

But he did return – once, years later when his virginity was only a fond memory. He had been so angry with Tess that night. She’d made him feel like such a wretch he’d felt his misery warranted the kind of company Dick’s had to offer. He felt the same way now, and as he exited the cab and lit a cigarette, his long, determined strides led him right to the entrance.

 

*****

 

“Richard, please. Just this once. I won’t ask again, I swear.”

 

Richard leaned back on the bar, puffing a fat cigar and taking in the sight of Liliana from head to toe. She hadn’t been around in a long while, but she had ripened with age and he liked what he saw. She was a bit thinned out from the dope, but not so far gone that she’d lost her appeal. Plus he could smell the desperation on her – his favorite scent on a woman. He licked his lips and blew a plume of smoke in her face.

 

“I’ve heard that one before, love,” he said, laughing and leaning in to her. She could smell his breath, fetid with tobacco and liquor, and she wanted to retch. She was anxious and fidgety and the nausea was starting to set in. “Ain’t nothin’ or no one round here come for free.”

 

He smiled at her and motioned to the curtain separating the bar area from the rooms upstairs. Liliana knew it would probably come to this, but she had managed to hold out some hope – however misguided – that Richard would take pity on her. She nodded and he slipped two yellow pills into her hand.

 

“Number three’s all yours,” he said with a sleazy smile. “I’ll send Donnie up from the stockroom. His break’s comin’ up and we gotta make sure you haven’t lost your touch, now don’t we?”

 

She rolled the pills in her hand, checking the imprints to make sure they were legit, before popping one between her molars and grinding it to powder. She half choked on it before she got it down and Richard laughed. He walked behind the bar and poured her a whiskey, handing it to her as she coughed and gagged.

 

“Here,” he said. “This one’s on the house. Don’t say I never did nothin’ for ya. Now up you go.”

 

The burn of the liquor mixed with the bitterness of the pill was a taste both vile and familiar, and as she slowly climbed the stairs she started to feel right again though everything around her was so terribly wrong. She reached room number three and opened the door – most everything was the same, except for the bedding, which seemed fairly new. She was grateful for that much, although she didn’t want to think of what it must have taken for Richard to decide that the old bedding was beyond repair. She popped the other pill in her pocket for later and lay down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and savoring the warm release of body from mind. Both were numb and ready by the time Donnie entered.

 

“Hey, Lil,” he said, unbuckling his pants. “Long time, no suck.”

 

She sat up on the bed and managed a half smile as she fumbled with his pants to release him. Much to her chagrin, he was still flaccid. She looked up at him and he smiled.

 

“What do you expect? You’re wearing far too many clothes.”

 

Liliana stood up and stripped unceremoniously in front of him as he watched, slowly jerking himself hard as he sat on the bed.

 

“Oooh,” he said, “that’s more like it. Nice tits, Lil. You’ve grown up right.”

 

He reached out with his free hand and fondled her breast as he continued to stroke himself, and she slowly knelt in front of him, taking the tip of his cock into her mouth. He stopped stroking and grabbed her hard by the hair as she took him deeper, gripping the base of his shaft hard and twisting in time with her mouth. He grunted and groaned his approval.

 

“There you go. There you go. Take it deep. I’m gonna fuck that slut mouth of yours.”

 

He pushed her head down hard onto him and she nearly choked as he filled her throat and thrust up into her. He let her go for a moment and she pulled off him with a wet pop. He just laughed as she panted for air and grabbed her again, pushing her face back down to his crotch.

 

“That’s it. Suck it. I wanna come down that pretty little throat of yours.”

 

She stroked and sucked harder and faster, wanting more than anything to be done with her little test run. Lucky for her, Donnie wasn’t much for longevity. Within a minute he was fisting her hair and bucking up into her as he spewed his release down her gullet. He groaned and cried out.

 

“Ohhh FUCK. Yes. You’re a dirty little whore, you are. Swallow it. Swallow it all.”

 

After she complied, he pulled her head back by the hair and smiled down at her.

 

“Now suck it clean and I’ll run down and tell ol’ Dick he’s got himself a superstar.”

 

She licked him up and down, lapping up his remaining juices, and when he was thoroughly satisfied with her he pulled his pants up and walked toward the door. As he exited he called back to her.

 

“You still got it, sweetheart.”

 

*****

 

Tom entered Dick’s on a mission. He strode up to the bar and planted himself on a stool, ordering a scotch with a water back and surveying the women plying their wares in the red-lit room. Blonde at the corner table – too old; ginger-tressed girl by the jukebox – barely legal, if that. He sighed and settled in to finish his drink, starting to think that he’d made a rash decision coming back to this place. He should have just gone home, slept it off, called Ken in the morning to apologize. He should have acted like the professional he was supposed to be and accepted his rejection with grace instead of spiraling into a dark rage and ending up on the bar stool of a whorehouse with his fury throbbing a hole through his trousers. He’d just finished his drink and taken a sip of his water when the owner approached him from behind the bar.

 

“See anything you like, mate?”

 

Tom shrugged and turned away from him, still on the lookout for a suitable girl but slowly resigning himself to the fact that the pickings were slim. He was side-eyeing the offerings and trying to avoid his gaze, but the owner wasn’t about to let him off that easy. The greasy-haired man leaned over, as if sharing some intimate secret, and spoke in a hushed tone.

 

“You seem like a good, clean bloke – I’ll give you two for the price o’ one.”

 

He leaned back, smiling through his rotting teeth, and reached out a grubby hand.

 

“Name’s Richard, but you can call me Dick.”

 

Tom shook his hand reluctantly, happy he didn’t recognize him but worried that a continued interaction would stick in his mind. Last thing he needed was to finally land a big role only to have some whoremonger call the press with an exclusive. To Tom’s dismay, Richard continued.

 

“I own this joint, and all these girls with it, and I can tell you one thing for sure – this lot don’t see guys like you in here. I bet you got every pair of panties in this place moist just by sittin’ there. So what’s your pleasure, lad – blonde, brunette, ginger, tits, ass – I’ve got it all.”

 

“Thank you for your offer, Richard…”

 

“Dick, please.”

 

“Right, well thank you for the offer, Dick, but I think I should be going. It’s getting a bit late and I’m suddenly quite tired.”

 

Richard was having none of it. He’d been in the business for a long time and he knew the man in front of him wanted nothing more than a good rough shag – he just hadn’t spotted the right girl.

 

“I’ll make you a deal – have one more drink, on the house. If you still want to go, I won’t pester you no more.”

 

Tom sighed. “Alright, then, Dick. You’ve got a deal. I’m going to step out for a smoke but I’ll be back.”

 

Richard smiled as Tom sauntered towards the door. He turned to the barman behind him.

 

“Leon, get Lil down here. Now.”

 

*****

 

Cleaned up and sufficiently recovered from her “audition” with Donnie, Liliana was making her way down the stairs to the bar when she ran headlong into Leon.

 

“Richard needs you. Some rich bloke outside.”

 

“What about him?”

 

“He hasn’t taken a liking to any of the girls. Richard thinks you’ll be able to keep his interest.”

 

Liliana’s stomach turned at the thought of it. Donnie was one thing – she needed her fix and Richard had made it clear there was only one way to get it – but she wasn’t ready to take in johns off the street. She had no desire to return to this dark place, and everything inside her was screaming for her to get out never come back. She’d come for one reason – she needed to get herself right and Richard was always holding. She did what she had to do to get it, but that was it. But as she turned to Leon to object, she realized she had nowhere to go. There was no next move. She was homeless and penniless, and her addiction was growing stronger and more immovable by the day.

 

“Where is he?”

 

“Outside, having a fag. Tall guy, blonde, leather jacket. You can’t miss him.”

 

He slipped her a cigarette and pointed her toward the door.

 

“Alright,” she sighed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

She was hesitant and nervous as she approached the door, but when she saw his silhouette through the window he looked fine enough. Leon wasn’t joking when he said the man was tall. He must have been well over 6 feet, with a lean muscular build evident through his tight clothing. As she got closer she could make out his features in profile. He had an elegant face, beautiful even, with cheekbones sharp as butcher knives and perfect lips. When he lifted his cigarette, she noticed that he had the most graceful hands. As she crossed through the doorframe she wondered what the fuck a guy like this was doing at Dick’s when he could have any woman he wanted. She figured maybe he had a girlfriend or a wife but was into some kink he had to get on the side. Either way, looking at him made the transition from brief interlude to full-time position seem a little easier to take.

 

She tapped him lightly on the shoulder and he turned to face her, his ice blue eyes filled with a rage masking a deep sadness.

 

“Got a light?” she asked. Her voice cracked a bit, betraying her unease.

 

*****

 

Tom hadn’t planned on staying after he finished his smoke. He’d decided after his first drag that there was nothing there for him. He’d made a mistake and it was time to go home. But then he saw her – the exquisite, raven-haired woman who appeared out of nowhere and tapped him on the shoulder. He lit her cigarette and stared at her hungrily while she spoke to him. It was obvious she was one of Dick’s girls, but there was something different about her. She wasn’t new at the game – that was obvious enough – but she didn’t have that used-up tossed-about quality that some of the others did. He hazarded she was about his age, maybe a few years younger, and was in possession of both great beauty and great sadness. He could see in her eyes she was troubled, much as she put on a cheery show to try to lure him back inside. But she wouldn’t have had to say a word to get him to go with her. From the first moment he looked at her, he knew she was the one who could fuck his pain away.


	2. Chapter 2

The raven-haired girl – Lola she’d called herself, though he suspected it was a fake – led him by the hand up the stairs to her room, occasionally casting vampish glances at him over her shoulder as they went. Tom could tell she was high on something or other, and that her lust was feigned, but he didn’t care. They weren’t all that different, really. Acting was acting, whatever the stage.

 

He sat down on the bed – queen size, it would suit his purposes – and watched her wordlessly as she latched the door and strode toward him. He licked his lips as he stared unapologetically at her breasts, thinking of all the things he wanted to do to her. She was gorgeous, if a bit thin for his taste. All signs pointed to some sort of addiction, but her beauty was as yet untarnished by her poison of choice. A quick scan of her arms revealed no signs of intravenous drug use, not that he’d planned on foregoing a condom, but he would have found it hard to stay aroused staring at vicious bruises and track marks. But with her hair like black silk, dark brooding eyes, and porcelain skin, she was perfection. He’d come simply looking for a warm body, but the girl before him exceeded all expectation. He almost felt guilty for what he was about to do. Almost.

 

“I’m clean, just so you know. But you still have to wear a condom. They’re in the drawer.”

 

He sat with his legs splayed and she knelt in front of him. As she rubbed her hands up his thighs, a sly smile spreading across her face when she reached the bulge in his trousers. He hissed as she touched him, ready to unleash his rage on her and finally find some release.

 

“So, what are you into, big boy?”

 

Tom couldn’t think of one thing he didn’t want to do to this girl, but despite his desire to pound out his fury onto her supple body, a nagging concern for her started to rise up in him. He didn’t want to care. She was a whore. It was her job to please him. But for some reason he found himself asking her what _she_ liked, what _she_ wanted. She looked at him, quizzical, and started laughing. The reality of the girl broke through when she laughed, and for a brief moment he saw her through the façade. Her voice was like a melody, sad but beautiful.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to laugh. It’s just no one has ever asked me that before.”

 

The throaty, seductive tone that “Lola” had used was gone. The girl before him spoke in a voice all her own. She sounded battered and broken, but not beyond repair. He could tell his small kindness was a gift she sorely needed.

 

*****

 

The second the laugh escaped Liliana’s lips she knew she’d let a bit too much of herself slip through, but she couldn’t help it. There was something about this man that made her want to break down the walls she’d so meticulously built. Her physical attraction to him was undeniable, but it was his eyes that really spoke to her. Like so many men before him, they were darkened with lust and rage, but behind that there lay a kindness and compassion unlike anything she’d ever experienced on the job – or in life, for that matter. She didn’t know why he cared, but he did, and that made her want him – _really_ want him, in all the ways one person can desire another. She wanted to know him and wanted him to know her, and she momentarily forgot herself and who she was to him.

 

“Can I ask you something?” she said. She was hesitant but her curiosity got the best of her.

 

“Sure.”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

His hardened face broke into amusement and he threw his head back bellowing. The sound of his laughter was precious and filled the room. She could barely believe a sound like that could come from the man who’d sat so stern-faced and angry just a moment before.

 

“Do I really need to answer that? It should be obvious enough.”

 

“No no,” she said, laughing herself now. “What I mean is – you don’t seem like the type who has to pay for it, so why are you here?”

 

He looked at her strangely, and she thought for a moment he’d grown cross that she’d gotten too familiar, but then he just shrugged and shook his head.

 

“The truth?” he asked, and she nodded. He looked at her plainly, almost playful.

 

“I had a shit day and I need a nice, angry fuck to get my head straight. I could have picked up some girl at a pub somewhere, sure, but I didn’t feel like putting in the work. I don’t want to play nice, I want to play rough.”

 

She felt a surge of arousal shoot through her and the wetness started to pool between her legs. She wanted to please him. She wanted to give him what he needed. She crawled up close to him, putting her hand on his cock as she whispered in his ear.

 

“You can play me as rough as you want.”

 

*****

 

As she whispered in his ear, the seductive tone returned to her voice. But this time he could tell she wasn’t acting. He wasn’t a business transaction to her anymore. She wanted him as bad as he wanted her, and she was ready and willing to do anything to please him. He was ready to fuck her raw, and she was going to like it.

 

He stood up abruptly and she smiled as she made short work of his trousers, freeing his throbbing erection. She stopped, staring down at it for a moment before bringing her eyes up to meet his. She looked at him, awestruck.

 

“Ooooh you are a big boy, aren’t you? Good thing I’ve got Magnums.”

 

She smiled wide as she knelt and took him in her mouth. He hissed as she worked her hands and tongue and lips together in a symphony around his cock. He didn’t want her to stop but he felt himself holding back. Any other girl and he would have fucked a hole through her head without a second thought, but with her… He was about to pull her off of him when she took him full down her throat. He groaned and his knees almost buckled beneath him as he stood there, eyes squeezed shut and mouth wide, with fistfuls of her hair crushed in his firm grip. When she popped off him for air, he grabbed her and tossed her onto the bed.

 

“Time to get your head right, big boy,” she said, and spread her legs wide.

 

He reached out and ran his long fingers between her legs, dipping into her slowly, and his cock sprung up a little harder when he felt how wet she was for him. She really did want him, and he wanted her. He hesitated, his mind betraying his body’s need. He’d come there for a hate fuck – he was filled with fury and wanted a nameless, faceless hole to spill his self-loathing into. He wanted someone who he would forget as soon as he walked out the door, and who would forget him just as quickly. But this girl had already imprinted on him, and he didn’t know if he’d be able to go through with it. He could sense she had enough self-loathing of her own; she didn’t need his as well. He was about to turn away from her when she spoke, softly but urgently.

 

“You can do anything you want to me and I promise, I’ll like it.”

 

His indecision faded with her words and a new idea popped uninvited into his head.

 

“What I want,” he growled, “is to make you come before I fuck you blind.”

 

*****

 

He was on her in an instant and when she felt his mouth close down on her she gasped with ecstasy and shock. No man had ever pleasured her before – certainly not on the job – and the feeling was something so new and wonderful that she could only lie back and revel in the sensations his tongue and lips were bringing her. Her body was buzzing, brought out of her self-induced numbness by the skillful man between her legs. He moaned as he sucked her nub and she couldn’t hold back her cries as he slid his long fingers inside of her. He pumped them in and out slowly as he flicked his tongue against her throbbing center, and as he moved faster and faster she felt all the strength in her body rush to her core. He thrust his fingers in deep as could go and started moving them in circles inside her as his tongue moved against her flesh. She felt her release coming strong and she came screaming as her walls clenched tight around him. He could feel it too, and groaned his approval onto her as she rode out her pleasure.

 

She was breathless and dizzy when he finally pulled off of her. He towered over the bed, licking her juices off his lips and fingers, and smiled down at her.

 

“Time to play rough.”

 

He picked her up and threw her onto her stomach, grabbing her thighs hard and pulling her up onto her knees. She heard the sound of a condom wrapper crinkling and felt the tip of his cock tease her entrance before slamming hard and full deep inside of her. She screamed in delicious agony as he filled and stretched her farther than she thought she could go.

 

*****

 

When he heard her scream his heart skipped a beat in his chest. He was consumed with fear and guilt and quickly bent over her, grazing her ear with his lips as he spoke.

 

“Am I hurting you?”

 

She moaned as she started swirling her hips around him.

 

“Yes,” she said, “and don’t stop.”

 

He fucked her with a fury even he didn’t know he had in him, thrusting deep and fast as he dug his fingers into her hips for balance. Her cries of pleasure and pain mingled with the sound of skin on skin and only served to fuel his rageful ministrations. He threw his head back and groaned long and deep, knowing he was getting what he came for. But the fact that she liked it – she, this beautiful creature he’d been so wary of hurting – heightened his pleasure instead of hindering it.

 

In his current state, taking a woman from behind had always been his position of choice. It got him off hard and fast and there was little to no eye contact to be misconstrued as sentiment. But suddenly, despite the immense pleasure he was getting, he felt the need to see her face, to watch her writhe beneath him. He craved… not intimacy exactly, but contact. He wanted more of her and she was all too happy to give it to him.

 

She turned over and guided him into her, licking her lips and moaning as he filled her up again. He held her legs wide by the ankles, hammering into her and watching her eyes roll back in her head as she fisted her long, black hair.

 

“OHHHHH FUCK,” she screamed. “Harder.”

 

She didn’t have to tell him twice. He slammed into her with inhuman speed, dropping her ankles and grabbing her waist. He could feel she was close again and brought one hand to her nub, circling it with his thumb as he pounded her. He felt her squeeze tight around him and she came screaming again, the evidence of her pleasure gushing out onto him like a wave. That nearly did him in, but it was her eyes – those dark eyes, once so tortured but now filled with something that could almost be called happiness – that brought the fire rising from deep in his loins. He dropped on top of her, lifting her right leg and hooking it around his waist as he buried his left hand in her hair. His thrusts became erratic as he locked eyes with her.

 

“Come for me, baby,” she whispered.

 

And he did. Hard. Harder than he’d ever come in his life. He grunted and groaned, convulsing on top of her as she ran her hands up his muscular back and into his hair. Spent, he rolled next to her and stared up at the ceiling, letting the sweet release wash over him as he fought to catch his breath. Once fully recovered, he turned to her and smiled. His rage was a memory. Everything was her.

 

“You are incredible,” he said.

 

“So are you.”

 

She looked at him, hesitant.

 

“What?” he asked. His fears rushed back to him. “Is something wrong?”

 

“No, no,” she said. “Just the opposite, in fact. Can I tell you a secret?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“I’ve never come before – from sex, that is. I’ve done it myself, obviously, but I’ve never… you know… with a man.”

 

He looked at her, floored. He knew most working girls faked it on the job, but never…

 

“I don’t quite know what to say. I’m flattered, I suppose.”

 

She giggled and he thought it was the most adorable sound he’d ever heard.

 

“You should be.”

 

“There’s another secret I’d like to know,” he said. “I want to know your real name. And don’t tell me it’s Lola.”

 

She smiled.

 

“It’s Liliana,” she said. “Most people call me Lil, but I like Lily. My mother always called me Lily.”

 

Beautiful name. Beautiful girl. He brushed a tress of hair from her eyes and traced the side of her face with his fingers.

 

“Hello, Lily,” he said. “I’m Tom.”


	3. Chapter 3

Tom could have stayed in bed with her all night. He wanted to ask her a million questions, to know who she was and how she’d ended up in such a horrible place. But more than anything, he wanted to kiss her. He knew that kissing wasn’t part of the deal, but he couldn’t help himself wanting it – and it scared him. Kissing meant intimacy. Kissing meant actually _feeling_ something, and that was the last thing he’d wanted when he set off from the pub. The rejection had unleashed the darkness inside him and he’d been overrun with emotion. He came there wanting nothing more than to exorcise his demons and numb himself to everything. But Lily – this sad, tortured, broken girl – had awoken something in him that he had long since forgotten was there.

 

He was contemplating what her lips would feel like against his when there was a harsh knock on the door.

 

“Hour’s up, Lil.”

 

Richard’s harsh words snapped Tom back into reality. He looked over at Lily and her countenance had changed. Her face had hardened and her eyes glazed over with resignation. Lily was gone and Lola was back. He felt sick. Had he really been so naïve to think that she was different from the rest? She was a gifted actress, nothing more. He began to doubt everything she’d told him and grew increasingly convinced that it was all a grand charade to make him feel special – an act she’d performed many times before and would perform many more after he’d gone. He practically sprang out of bed and into his clothes and began digging through his wallet.

 

“Right, so how much do I owe you?”

 

He felt bile rising up into his throat as he handed her a wad of cash. He was disgusted with himself for being taken in by her, and even more disgusted with her for making him feel something. Just as fast as his rage had gone, it had returned. He was in a darker place now then when he’d arrived, and he blamed her for it. Hated her for it, even. He looked at her with dark eyes and spoke through a clenched jaw.

 

“There’s a little something extra in there for you, _Lola_.” He spat the name out at her, knowing it would sting. “You really are good at what you do.”

 

He snatched his leather jacket up from the floor and exited, slamming the door behind him.

 

*****

 

Lily sat up on the bed, staring at the fistful of bills in her hand, completely deflated. She cursed herself for letting her walls down, for giving so much of herself and her body over to him completely and without question. Tom, if that was even his real name, had turned out to be just another guy looking for a quick fuck. The way he’d looked at her as he was leaving confirmed that much. He had made her feel small, cheap, dirty – just like the others did. She had been stupid to think he actually cared for her. That was probably just what got him off – duping women into thinking they were something more than just meat and getting them to submit themselves to him completely. In so many ways, that was so much worse than the usual type of john – at least they were honest about what they wanted her for.

 

The banging on the door came harder this time and Richard’s voice boomed through.

 

“Are you hearing me, girl? Get cleaned up and get your arse downstairs. I need you at the bar.” He paused. “And don’t forget my money.”

 

The idea of going another few rounds that night made her feel ill. She contemplated running, but where to? She should never have come back there. She was trapped now, her body a slave held hostage by her addiction, and the worst part was that she had no one but herself to blame. Sure, she’d suffered as a child, gone hungry, lost her parents. But a better person would have gathered strength from that pain; she had chosen to spiral down into a deeper darkness than that which life had already dealt her.

 

She felt the overwhelming need to fix again. Tom had brought her out of the haze, however briefly, had made her feel things she never had before, and then he’d just left like all the rest. If she was going to stay at Dick’s, and she didn’t see any way out of it, she resigned herself not to feel anymore – not in mind, not in body, nothing. She needed to become a shell of herself or she’d never survive.

 

She cleaned up and gathered her clothes, pulling the yellow pill from her pocket and crushing it to powder on the bedside table. She tied her hair back and cut two thick lines, rolling up one of the 20 pound notes Tom had thrust so angrily in her hand and positioning it under her right nostril. She inhaled sharply, watching the yellow powder float up and disappear. She savored the bitter drip of the first line before going back to take the second up her left side. She sat back and closed her eyes as the stupor washed over her, and when Richard came round the third time, she could barely walk to open the door. But that was the way she wanted it – the poison’s sweet release was her only escape.

 

*****

 

When Tom got back to his flat he jumped into the shower immediately. He turned the water up scalding and scrubbed his flesh red and nearly raw trying to wash the memory of her off of him. But no matter how hard he tried, she wouldn’t go. His body was clean but his mind was infected by thoughts of her. He tried a book, he tried music – nothing would free his mind and lull him into restorative sleep. He ended up pacing about in a towel, a half-empty bottle of Jameson in one hand and a cigarette in the other. The drink was meant to dull his mind, but with every sip her raven hair and dark eyes appeared with an increasingly painful clarity.

 

He felt himself growing hard again, thinking about the way she tasted, the way her skin felt against his, the look of peaceful release that crossed her face when he’d pleasured her. God, she was beautiful. He took a deep swig from the bottle and smoked his cigarette down to the filter.

 

He tried internet porn, but it had never really done much for him. He slammed his laptop closed and reached into the annals of his mind, picking through the happier memories, searching for one that might bring him release. Nothing was working and his mind began to wander into the dark place where Tess lived. The memories he had of their times together quickly faded into that familiar ugliness and he found himself stroking his cock furiously to the thought of her in his bed with another man – the sound of her moans echoing through his flat, the way her tits bounced as she rode the stranger in his bed, the way she’d looked back at him when he caught her in the act. The fucking cunt had smiled at him. She’d _laughed._

 

He was rubbing his cock raw and approaching his violent release when the vision of Lily replaced Tess on his bed, and he replaced the stranger. The sound of Tess’s evil laughter was replaced by Lily’s heartwarming giggle. He pictured himself beneath her, staring up at her as she moved her hips in circles on top of him. He pictured her bending over him and grazing his neck with her lips as she rode him. He pictured her kissing her way from his neck to his mouth, and when he thought of her lips touching his he came hot and sticky into his hand.

 

*****

 

“Bloody hell, Lil. You look like a goddamn zombie.” Richard stared at her but she looked through him. “If you don’t lay off that shit a little you’re no use to me and you’re out on that pretty little arse of yours, you got me?”

 

Lily managed a nod as she floated on ghost legs down to the bar.

 

“Here,” Richard said, pouring her a tall glass of something. She wasn’t paying attention to what it was. She didn’t care. “You might need this.”

 

Lily snapped out of her trance. She didn’t like his tone.

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

“I’ve got a backdoor man for you. Bloke over in the corner in the trench coat.”

 

The stillness in her body belied her mind’s panic.

 

“You know I don’t do that, Richard.”

 

He just laughed. “You do what the fuck I tell you to do. Besides, my money’s on the fact that you couldn’t feel your arse with both hands right now, so it shouldn’t make a bit of difference which hole he puts it in. Go talk to him, and try not to drool on yourself, will you?”

 

After a few minutes of feigning amusement at the man’s lewd attempt at pleasantries, Lily found herself back in her room. He was one of the ugliest men she’d ever seen – his baldness poorly concealed by a greasy comb-over, his skin pockmarked and leathery, his gut jutting over ill-fitting trousers and threatening to send the buttons of his shirt shooting across the room like shrapnel.

 

“Ain’t you a pretty thing,” he said, undoing his belt.

 

He belched loudly and laughed at himself. The smell of sweat and liquor coming off him hung heavy in the room like gas fumes in traffic.

 

“Now get out of them clothes and turn over.”

 

She did as he asked, removing each article of clothing a throwing them in a heap in the corner. When she was naked and prone on the bed, she mumbled back at him.

 

“Everything’s in the drawer.”

 

She heard the snap of the condom as he slid it on, but the squirt of lubrication from the bottle didn’t follow – replaced, instead, with a hawk and the sound of spit hitting flesh. She whipped her head around quickly and saw him rubbing the tip of his cock with his hand as he approached her.

 

“There’s lube in the drawer, too. No need to…”

 

“Shut the fuck up and turn around.”

 

Her fear bit through the numbness and she clenched up immediately – poor timing as he chose that moment to yank her onto her knees and push inside her. Her body fought him and he grunted as he struggled to bury himself to the hilt. He wasn’t a large man, but she had always drawn the line at anal and the pain of being broken in so thoughtlessly was unbearable. She bit down hard on the pillow to muffle her cries as he started to pump at her mercilessly, each entry hitting her like a thousand shards of glass scraping and tearing at her insides. The tears came like rain and she begged her body to accept him and give itself over to the drugs coursing through her bloodstream. She receded into herself and let her dark thoughts take over.

 

_You deserve to be punished. You cause people pain. You reap what you sow._

 

But resigning herself to the pain she believed was rightfully hers did not alleviate it. Her insides were burning and she prayed to a God she knew wasn’t listening that it would end quickly. But it didn’t. The man was so pissed even her tight, virgin ass couldn’t get him off quickly. She searched desperately for some thought, some memory that would take her outside herself for the duration of the act, but her life had not provided much comfort and the happy times were few. She couldn’t think of the children at a time like this. That would only make it worse.

 

In between his groans and grunts he cursed and called her every foul name in the book, and she buried her head further into the pillow to cover her ears. Just when she thought she might pass out, the thought of him came flooding into her – the gorgeous blue eyes, the long graceful fingers, the soft pink lips. Tom. She forced herself to cling to the memory of him as the man behind her worked his way toward climax. She felt her body relax as she thought of Tom’s fingers tracing the line of her face, his tongue toying and lapping at her center, his strong hands buried deep in her hair and his eyes staring deep into her as he came. And she thought about the kiss – the kiss that never happened, the kiss she’d wanted so desperately. She lost herself in that imaginary kiss, feeling his lips graze hers and his tongue tracing the line of her lip before mingling with her own. She was outside her body completely now. Everything was Tom and nothing hurt.

 

These thoughts of him brought her body no pleasure, but they managed to cut through the pain until the man behind her came with a disgusting groan. He toppled over onto her, sweaty and panting his foul breath in her face, before standing and pulling out.

 

“Popped your cherry, eh?” He laughed.

 

She didn’t have to look to know there was blood.

 

“Well you done good, girl. I’ll make sure and let Dick know he’s got a real talent on his hands.”

 

Lily didn’t acknowledge the man as he left the money on the side table and exited. She couldn’t have moved if she wanted to, and she was happy that Richard opted to leave her alone for the rest of the night – not that she could sleep. The pain that throbbed inside her as the drugs wore off and the realization that she was stuck in this ghastly place kept her mind buzzing though her body was completely spent. But more than that, thoughts of Tom kept racing through her mind despite her best efforts to ignore them. Would she ever see him again? Could he ever love her? Could he be the one to save her from herself? She finally fell asleep as dawn broke, one thought lingering in her mind: maybe they could save each other.


	4. Chapter 4

Tom woke late with a vicious hangover. The thought of eating anything turned his stomach so he fixed himself a cup of tea and popped two aspirin. He knew he had to call Ken but he was dreading it. He was still angry – more so at himself than at Ken – but he didn’t feel like apologizing and making nice. He wanted to crawl back under the covers and not come out. He wanted to tear his flat to pieces, punch through walls, break everything he owned. He wanted to scream so long and loud that his throat turned raw. He wanted to cry until he had no tears left.

 

He sighed, knowing that he had no choice but to make the call. He was an actor – he could surely pull his shit together for the duration of one phone conversation. He would play the part of the gentleman, the supplicant, the fool. He rummaged through the pockets of his jacket, finding nothing.

 

“Fuck.”

 

*****

 

Lily woke to the sound of The Cure piping into her room from somewhere unknown. Slowly coming out of sleep into full consciousness, she realized the sound was coming from under the bed. She lifted the bedskirt and saw the glow of an iPhone. She knew whose it was without having to look.

 

She was elated and terrified. Tom would have to come back for it, but would he think she’d nicked it? She wanted to contact him and tell him herself that she had it so he wouldn’t suspect the worst of her, but she didn’t know how. She had no idea where he lived, or his surname, or even if his real name was Tom. He had a password lock on it, so she couldn’t scroll through it for information. But she wouldn’t have wanted to do that anyway. She felt it would be an invasion of his privacy and all she wanted was for him to trust her. An old instinct kicked in – _sell it, take the money, run_ – but she pushed it away. If she did that, she would be exactly the kind of person he thought she was. She wanted to be better than that – for him if not for herself.

 

She debated whether to tell Richard. He was a man of dubious character, to say the least, and he might well decide to steal it and sell it himself. He made good money running the place but he was greedy. Any chance to line his pockets, Richard would take it. She decided to keep it to herself, although she didn’t know what she was going to do with it. She couldn’t very well answer it and explain to some unsuspecting caller that Tom had left his mobile at a whorehouse. She supposed she could pretend she’d just stumbled upon it somewhere innocent – a café, a pub, a park bench – but she feared Tom would be angry if he found out she’d answered it. She’d seen with her own eyes his capacity for rage, and although she’d been able to tame the beast, it frightened her to know it was there – just under the surface, always on the verge of bubbling over. Something told her he wouldn’t show her the same kindness twice.

 

She set out from Dick’s to get a bite to eat. Her appetite was spotty at best, so on the rare occasions she actually felt hungry, she had to force down as much food as she could. It felt good to be outside and feel the fresh air in her lungs. The smell of stale beer and sex was suffocating and she took pleasure in her nice, leisurely walk to the café. She had last night’s take in one pocket and Tom’s mobile in the other. She hadn’t wanted to leave it in her room where Richard might find it, but more than that she felt like carrying it with her was like having a piece of him there. And then there was the off chance she might run into him on the street – a foolish notion, perhaps, but one that made her happy.

 

She walked along lost in thought, fantasizing about bumping into him in the world outside that squalid place. He would smile his magnificent smile at her as she handed him his phone, thank her, ask her to dinner. They would talk about their lives and get to know each other intimately over a nice bottle of wine. They would go back to his flat for a nightcap, laugh at each other’s jokes and cry at each other’s pain. He would kiss her chastely goodnight and place her in a cab. She would retire to a home that didn’t exist.

 

When she reached the café she felt almost normal. After all, this is what normal people do. They get hungry, they buy food and eat it. They get restless, they take a nice constitutional. They feel discontented, they daydream about simple things – a quiet, happy life. She looked around the café as she entered. Businessmen with the morning paper. Families engaged in conversation. Couples holding hands in loving silence. Everywhere she looked - _normalcy_. Even the word was foreign to her.

 

She sat down at a corner table and ordered, taking in everything around her as she waited for her food. Usually the sight of people smiling and laughing, extending courtesies to one another, walking about without a care made her so angry. She wanted to spit in their faces and scream at them that they knew nothing. That happiness is false and fleeting. That everything good in their life would be taken from them. Because that is what life is – a waking nightmare that stretches from first consciousness to last breath.

 

But today, of all days, she felt almost content. She didn’t know why she felt different after last night. By all accounts she should have been traumatized, but the weight of Tom’s mobile in her pocket brought her a peace of mind that comes only with a renewed sense of purpose. Even if she never saw him again, even if he wasn’t the man she thought he was, just the idea of him made her want to live better – to _be_ better. No one but her mother had ever made her feel that way, and after she’d passed she thought no one ever would again. The girl Lily had been died the day her mother did. But Tom, with just a few kind words, a look, a gentle caress, had brought her back from the dead.

 

*****

 

Tom set out for Soho in a cab, speeding towards the last place on earth he wanted to be. But he couldn’t be without his phone. He needed his contacts, his emails. He thanked all the Gods in existence that he’d password protected it. The thought of Lily going through his phone made him sick to his stomach. She hadn’t seemed to recognize him at all but his emails would easily have revealed to her that he was an actor. God only knew what she would have done with that information. Blackmailed him, perhaps, or just sold the story. She was obviously a hopeless addict, and to have ended up at Dick’s just confirmed for him that she’d do anything she had to do for money.

 

He had the cab drop him a few blocks away, in the more respectable section, and made the rest of the journey on foot. He found himself scanning the crowd, and each time a dark-haired woman walked by he was filled with a strange sense of anxiety. He didn’t want to see Lily again, ever. But he couldn’t help himself searching for her. His anxiety turned to anger and he hated himself for not being able to get her out of his head. If he saw her, he didn’t know if he’d want to kiss her or kill her.

 

_Just get your mobile and get the fuck out of here. And never, ever come back._

 

When he entered Dick’s his mind was running wild with conflicting emotions and questions he didn’t want answers to. Was she here? Would he see her? And the worst one of all, was she upstairs right this very moment fucking another man? He felt sick as he strode over to the bar where Richard was standing.

 

“Back so soon, mate? Guess you liked what Lola had to offer.”

 

He hated the sound of that name on his lips. He wanted to reach across the bar and choke him and scream _HER NAME IS LILY YOU DISGUSTING PRICK._ But he remained calm. After all, he wasn’t even sure that was her name. He wasn’t sure if anything she’d said or did was real. And Richard knew her better than he did. The thought, however true, filled him with a sorrow he couldn’t shake.

 

“I think I may have left my mobile here last night. You wouldn’t have it by any chance?”

 

“Sorry, mate. Haven’t heard a thing about it. Lola’s out but if you like, I’ll let you upstairs to have a look for it. You seem like a trustworthy bloke, not that she’s got much to steal.”

 

He was overwhelmed with relief that she wasn’t there. He didn’t know what he would have done if Richard had said she was “busy” – the thought of her right above his head, submitting her beautiful body to some disgusting wretch off the street… but then it struck him. Wasn’t that what he was? What made him any different, any better than the rest? He was angry and disgusted with himself as he ascended the stairs to her room. How had he fallen so far, so fast? Or had he always been this way – a sick, twisted fuck just playing the part of a real man?

 

When he entered the room, the memory of the night before flooded back to him, both in body and mind. He remembered every curve of her body, every sound that echoed from her perfect lips. He felt her body against his, smelled her arousal and tasted her sweet flesh. He trousers tightened a bit at the thought of her but he snapped himself out of it, remembering where he was and why he was there. A cursory search of the room revealed nothing and he felt a pang of guilt as he started to rummage through her bag. Richard wasn’t lying when he said she’d had nothing to steal. He found only a few random articles of clothing, a bit of makeup, and a tattered book. He picked it up and turned it over – _Crime and Punishment_.

 

Tom felt like his whole world had been turned inside out and he realized at that moment that he had no idea who this woman was or where she’d come from. Whores don’t read Dostoyevsky – hell, some of the women he’d dated didn’t read Dostoyevsky – and the book’s condition was a testament to repeated readings. He slumped down on the floor, flipping through the pages. All the assumptions he’d made about her went out the window and he was more determined than ever to truly know her. She was troubled, certainly, but he cursed himself for rushing to judgment. And who was he to judge her, anyway? To place her beneath him? In his heart, he had known she was something so much more than appearances and circumstances would dictate, and now he was holding tangible proof.

 

_Who are you, Lily? How did you get here?_

 

The pages stopped flipping as he reached the bookmark – a photograph, yellowed with age and time. She’d been just a child then, but he’d have recognized those eyes anywhere. She was sitting on a woman’s lap, laughing, and her eyes were filled with that wonder and joy reserved only for children. He could have cried looking at her – so young and innocent and filled with love, ignorant of all the darkness that exists in the world. She’d been pure once, and happy. But something had happened and sent this perfect little angel spiraling into a hell on earth. He wanted to know what it was that had broken her. He wanted to bring her out of this dark place. He wanted nothing more than to see her eyes shine with light and love again.

 

The door creaked open and a timid voice filled the room.

 

“Tom?”

 

He turned to her, struck again by her beauty, and smiled at her tenderly.

 

“Hello, Lily.”

 

*****

 

When Richard told her there was a “surprise” waiting for her upstairs, she’d been panic stricken. The way he winked at her – that lewd, knowing wink – had made her think immediately of the disgusting man from last night. She couldn’t bear the thought of anyone right now, but him, _that_ … She felt weak and her insides burned at the memory. She’d begged him for another few pills and he handed them over, telling her to go easy. She’d told him to fuck off, popped one and swallowed it dry. The second she entered her room, she regretted taking it.

 

Tom was sitting in the corner. He had obviously been through her things, looking for his mobile. He was probably furious that it wasn’t there, thinking she’d gone off to sell it, and just waiting for her to return so he could take his rage out on her – for real this time. When she looked down she saw him holding her dearest possession in his hands. It was the last thing she had left of her mother. She hoped to God he wouldn’t tear it in two out of anger. He looked up at her with an oddly warm smile – the calm before the storm. She gulped hard and her body instinctively braced for impact, but all he did was say hello. Hello _Lily_. She fought to find her words.

 

“I have your mobile.” She fumbled in her pocket and retrieved it. Her hands were shaking. “I didn’t know how to get it back to you. I only took it with me so that no one would get their hands on it, I wasn’t trying to…”

 

“Shhh,” he said, touching a long finger to his lips. “It’s alright.”

 

She looked at him strangely as he rose and crossed the room to her. His fingers grazed her wrist when she handed him the phone and chills ran through her. She thought he would back away but he didn’t – he just stood there, towering over her, and she couldn’t get a read on him. He didn’t seem to be angry, but his eyes were poring over every inch of her, and not in the usual way that men do. He was examining her like she was some sort of as-yet-unidentified specimen, like he was looking for answers to unspoken questions. Their eyes locked for a moment and she grew frightened, though she didn’t know of what.

 

“You’re not cross, are you?”

 

His laughter filled the room like music.

 

“Not at all.”

 

His tone was so tender and his eyes were shining with a kindness she’d only briefly glimpsed before he’d hidden it away. She wished they were anywhere else in the world but where they were. He gestured toward the picture in the corner.

 

“Is that your mum? She’s beautiful.”

 

She felt a lump rise in her throat. She smiled at him, wistful.

 

“Yes, she is… was… she’s gone now.”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. A tear fell from her eye and he brushed it away. “So terribly sorry.”

 

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried for her mother, cried for anything really except physical pain. But she couldn’t hold back the tears from coming and she collapsed, a sobbing mess, into his arms. She felt his lean muscles hold her tightly as she wailed and he ran his hand up and down her back - such a small movement to provide such comfort.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

She looked up at him and she could tell he was sincere, but that just made the tears fall harder.

 

*****

 

Tom had suspected that Lily was all alone in the world and knew she was burdened with a dark sadness, but he was shocked by the raw emotion pouring out of her. He started to see her with more clarity, some of his questions answered wordlessly as she completely unraveled in front of him. He knew she hadn’t cried in a long time, that she’d long since thrown up walls against the pain she carried. He knew she wasn’t addicted to the drugs but to the relief they provided her, however fleeting. His heart broke for her as she trembled in his arms.

 

“I can’t talk about her here. In this place. I just can’t. You understand.”

 

He did.

 

“Let me take you somewhere. Away from here. Anywhere you want to go.” The words flew out of his mouth like bullets – id shooting past ego, straight into sound.

 

She looked up at him, her eyes travelling out of the moment and into an even darker place. She spoke between heaving sobs.

 

“I can’t… I’m not… Richard…”

 

“I’ll deal with Richard,” he said, steeling up and gathering the strength she couldn’t. “I’m not leaving you here like this.”

 

A hard knock and Richard’s fat frame filled the door as he puffed away at his cheap cigar. He looked down at Lily, red-faced and dripping tears, and he laughed at her. Flashes of Tess hit Tom’s mind and he saw red.

 

 _This poor girl at her most vulnerable, and this piece of shit is laughing_.

 

Tom’s fury rose up like lava.

 

“I don’t care if you make the girls cry, mate, but you’ve gotta pay for it.”

 

Tom wanted to put his face through the window but he knew that approach would get him nowhere, and worse – he knew he’d take it out on Lily.

 

“I’ll pay you. For the whole night. But I’m taking her out.”

 

Richard shook his head. “Ain’t how it works, lad.”

 

Tom’s eyes were filled with fire as he snapped at Richard.

 

“Make it work, then.”

 

Richard sighed. “Alright, mate. She’s all yours. But if she ain’t back here by morning, you best believe I’ll find her and make her sorry she ever met you.”

 

Tom reached into his wallet and threw a wad of cash at Richard’s feet, his face hard with disdain.

 

“Out,” he barked. “Now.”

 

Richard slammed the door and Tom turned to Lily, who was curled up in a ball, shivering. She looked so small and frightened – like a child who thought there were monsters under her bed. But Lily’s monsters were real, and they both knew it. He took her in his arms again, rocking her gently and stroking her hair.

 

“I won’t let him hurt you, you understand?”

 

She looked up at him and nodded, and through all her pain and anguish, she smiled. It was genuine, and breathtakingly beautiful. She reached up and cupped his face in her tiny hand.

 

“There is nothing he could ever do to me that would make me sorry I met you.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

Richard and Tom were staring daggers at each other as Tom ushered Lily out of the building. Tom knew the man was dangerous, but the extent to which he would go was unknown. All he wanted was to get Lily out of there and never let her return – he’d wanted her to take her things with her, but she was right in saying that it wouldn’t go unnoticed and they’d never make it past the door. He convinced her at the very least to take the picture of her mother and she complied. Everything else, what little there was, was replaceable.

 

They walked a few blocks in silence, one or the other constantly looking back to see if they were being followed. Tom had to practically carry her she was so weak. He clung to her tightly until they were blocks away and sure they were alone. When he turned to her, she was still looking backward. He guided her face toward his and looked down into her dark, frightened eyes.

 

“You’re safe now,” he said. “No one’s followed us. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

 

His tone aimed to soothe her but he was plagued by a nagging worry she’d want to go out somewhere where he might be recognized. He hated himself for being embarrassed by her – though that wasn’t exactly it. He wasn’t ashamed of her. He was ashamed of himself. And what would he say if he bumped into someone he knew? He pushed the thoughts from his head. He would deal with his own demons later.

 

“Someplace quiet,” she said.

 

“Come home with me, then,” he said. He was relieved. It disgusted him.

 

“Tom, are you sure you want me to…”

 

“I’m sure. Come on.”

 

When they entered Tom’s flat Lily looked around, wide-eyed, as he led her up the stairs toward the living room. Just having her there flooded him with guilt. Compared to the squalor in which she was currently living, and God knows where before that, his home must seem like a palace to her. He’d never felt guilty for being moneyed – had always tried to do what he could for people in need – but he could sense her discomfort and it made him feel horrible. He saw himself differently through her eyes. He saw himself as ungrateful, privileged, unworthy. It wasn’t until this moment that he truly realized how blessed he was by circumstance. Sure, he’d always worked hard in school and put everything he had into becoming a success. But where would he be without opportunity? Life had provided him with the means to thrive; she had not been so lucky.

 

He felt sick thinking of the way he’d reacted to Ken’s rejection, the way he’d always allowed his anger to rule him, the way he acted as if the world _owed_ him something. He saw outside himself now, felt the breadth and depth of the world’s inequities, and it filled him with remorse. Looking down at Lily, wrapped in a blanket on his Italian leather sofa, he found a sense of purpose. All he wanted was to help her, to save her from the life she’d been forced to lead. Maybe if he did that, he might actually be worthy of the life he’d been blessed with.

 

“Would you like a cup of tea? Or a drink?” he asked.

 

He hoped she would forgo the drink. He wanted her sober – or at least, quasi-sober. He could tell she was on something. He suspected she was always on something. He couldn’t exactly fault her for it, but he wished for her sake that she would stop. He thought her body a temple, and the thought of her poisoning it turned his stomach. Her body was something to be worshipped, not desecrated.

 

“Just tea, thank you.”

 

He smiled. “Coming right up.”

 

When the tea was steeped and ready, he placed the steaming mug in her hand and set next to her on the couch. He watched her as she gently blew on it and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her lips. God, he wanted to kiss those lips. He couldn’t speak; he was lost in the thought of feeling her mouth on his. But he forced those thoughts away. That wasn’t why he’d brought her here. He wanted to know her, to understand who she really was, but he didn’t know where to start. She’d been so terribly sad and distraught earlier, and he wanted more than anything to see her smile. He couldn’t bring himself to broach any topic that would send her mind back into the dark places, so he just watched her, waiting for her to speak first.

 

*****

 

Lily didn’t know what she’d expected. She knew from the moment she laid eyes on him that Tom had money, but she’d never in her life been in a place so luxurious. She felt uncomfortable and out of place and she regretted letting him take her there. He’d probably assumed that she would want to go out somewhere – a nice dinner or a pub for a few rounds, then spend the night in some hotel getting his money’s worth out of her. But all she’d wanted was a quiet place to rest, to be alone with him and just talk – to finally let out everything she’d held in for so long. He’d seemed to care, to want to know her, but maybe it was all just a ruse to be able to have his way with her outside of that awful place. Given the way he lived, she was sure that being at Dick’s made him feel dirty – that he felt it was beneath him. Plus she knew he had anger issues. Maybe when Richard had denied him, his fury had nothing to do with her. Maybe he was just used to getting what he wanted and his determination to get the best of Richard was what fueled his rage. When he asked her what she’d like to drink, she could feel his unease and it confirmed her suspicions.

 

They sat next to each other on the couch in awkward silence. He was looking at her with a familiar hunger and she knew then what he really wanted from her. It made her sad that he’d feigned compassion – that he’d used her anguish as a means to this end – but she resigned herself to it. He’d bought her for the night and she feared his anger would rise up again if he didn’t get what he paid for. She found it odd he hadn’t made any advances but assumed he just wanted her to take control tonight, to feel empowered by her wanting him. It was nothing new. Some men got off on being desired and derived a sense of self-worth from a woman’s lust. She just added it to her mental list of Tom’s kinks. She didn’t want to talk anymore – to watch him going through the motions and pretending to care. She felt dirty and cheap again, mentally and physically.

 

She broke the silence.

 

“Can I ask a favor?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“Do you mind if I have a shower?”

 

“Not at all. Come with me.”

 

She wondered if he’d insist on joining her and hoped he wouldn’t. She really just wanted to clean up properly and take a moment with her thoughts to get prepared for her night with him. Taking her in his own bed, she was sure he would appreciate having her as fresh and clean as she could manage.

 

He handed her a towel. “Take as long as you like.”

 

His eyes were kind. She was almost impressed with the way he was controlling his lust, but she wasn’t so foolish as to think it wasn’t there – just below the surface, waiting for her to unleash it.

 

It was the most satisfying shower she’d ever had. She turned up the hot water as far as it could go and savored the sweet burn on her skin as she scrubbed herself clean. She hadn’t felt clean – actually clean – since she’d arrived at Dick’s, and though it had only been about 48 hours at this point, it felt like an eternity. She dried herself off and stood in front of the mirror, naked, taking in the sight of her own body. The change had been gradual but she was disgusted. She wasn’t skeletal, but she could see her hipbones faintly now and the curve of her hips had diminished significantly. Her face was thinned out and she had dark circles round her eyes. Her body was beginning to mirror her mind’s frailty and it made her feel ill. She regretted not taking her makeup with her, fearing Tom’s reaction to her natural appearance.

 

She wrapped herself back up in the towel, not seeing the need to dress given the circumstances, and went to gather her clothes from the floor. The edge of the bag of pills was poking out of the pocket of her jeans – taunting her, crying out to her to succumb to her urges. She took it out and looked at it, doing a quick count and some mental calculation as to how long this batch would last her. She removed one pill and was about to take it down but she stopped herself. Despite the fact that Tom had tricked her, she couldn’t help but remember all the amazing sensations he’d made her feel. She hated herself for desiring him, for wanting to feel all the pleasure he could bring her. She returned the pill to the bag and shoved it back into her pocket. She wouldn’t numb her body, but she refused to let him back inside her head.

 

She left her clothes in a heap on the floor and exited, finding Tom in the bedroom rummaging through his drawers. He was probably looking for condoms and it signaled to her he was ready. When he saw her he froze, staring at her with hungry eyes and an open mouth. She locked eyes with him and walked over to him slowly. She stopped about two feet in front of him and dropped her towel, allowing him a brief moment to take in the sight of her before she dropped to her knees in front of him and placed her hands on his belt.

 

*****

 

Whenever he saw Lily it felt like the first time. She was near-painfully beautiful, and standing there in a towel – fresh and clean, devoid of the layer of makeup that usually masked her perfect face – she took his breath away. He had been looking for something comfortable for her to wear while he washed her clothes, but one look at her and he was frozen in place. As she walked towards him it took him it took him a moment to realize what was happening, and before he could protest she was naked and kneeling in front of him. He snapped out of his trance and pulled her up gently by the shoulders.

 

“Stop, Lily. Please.” He gathered her towel from the floor and wrapped it around her. “That’s not why I brought you here.”

 

She looked at him, confused, and said nothing.

 

“I just want to talk, I swear it.”

 

That was a lie. He wanted more than anything to kiss her, and he couldn’t deny that the desire to have her again was strong, but he was determined not to act on his baser urges. More than anything, he wanted her to give him some glimpse, however small, into her mind. He wanted to know her, and not in the carnal sense. He dug some clothes out of the drawer and presented them to her.

 

“Here,” he said, handing her a pair of boxers and an old t-shirt. “These are for you. I thought you might want your clothes washed.”

 

She took the clothes, staring at him like she’d had the wind knocked out of her.

 

“Thank you,” she said. It sounded more like a question than a response.

 

“I’ll let you get changed while I go throw your clothes in the wash.”

 

She suddenly looked panic-stricken and spoke with some urgency.

 

“You don’t have to do that, really.”

 

“I want to. Just give them to me.”

 

“No!”

 

She yelled and he realized she must have her stash tucked away in her pocket. Her addiction took over and he could sense the agitation and paranoia rising up inside her. He decided to let it go. He didn’t want to drive her away. While he hated the hold the drugs had on her, he knew there was nothing to be done about it now. He hadn’t earned her trust yet, and he would feel a fool lecturing her when he couldn’t fathom the depth of her pain. But more than anything, he just wanted her to stay with him.

 

“Alright,” he said, giving her the opportunity to rid her pockets of the evidence.  “Maybe later.”

 

She looked relieved and a calm swept across her face.

 

“I’m sorry I yelled,” she said. “I don’t know why I did that. You were just trying to do something nice. I’ll go change and bring them out to you.”

 

She took the clothes he’d given her and headed into the bathroom, locking herself in. He could sense her behind the door, looking frantically for somewhere she could hide her stash where she thought he wouldn’t find it, but he tried not to think about it. All he wanted was for her to feel comfortable, and if he had to pretend he had no idea what she was up to, then so be it.

 

She emerged with her laundry bundled in her arms, and he couldn’t help but smile seeing her in his clothes.

 

“What?” she asked. Her tone was lighter, almost playful.

 

“Nothing. You look adorable in my clothes is all.”

 

She looked down at the floor, averting his gaze. He could tell she was embarrassed by the compliment but secretly liked it.

 

“I have to say, this may be the most comfortable shirt I’ve ever worn.”

 

“It’s yours,” he said without pause. “Take it, please.”

 

She smiled and thanked him. The shirt was one of his favorites. He’d had it since university and it was worn in perfectly, but he gave it to her without the slightest hesitation. He would give anything, do anything, to see that smile light up her face.

 

“I’ll go throw these in the wash. Please, make yourself at home.”

 

She looked sad for a brief moment before flashing him a forced smile and heading toward the living room. He immediately regretted his choice of words. He knew she couldn’t feel at home here, much as he wanted her to. God only knew what the word “home” even meant to her – if anything. When she was out of view he slapped his forehead and ran his hand through his hair. He couldn’t be careless with her, in word or deed, or he would lose her.

 

After throwing the laundry in, he returned to the living room and found her sprawled on the couch. She looked comfortable in body yet troubled in mind. He sat next to her – close, but not too close – and she turned to him.

 

“So what do you want to talk about?” He could sense she was hesitant, but ready as she’d ever be.

 

“You,” he said. “I want to know about you.”

 

She laughed, but it was joyless noise. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

 

“Try the beginning.”

 

She sighed and began spinning her sad tale. It was one of loss and grief, desperation and fear, guilt and shame. Lily’s world was a dark and lonely place, filled with pain and fraught with danger. He didn’t interrupt, didn’t press questions she wasn’t ready to answer. He just listened. She didn’t look at him once as she spoke and he knew she hadn’t told her story in a long time. Maybe she never had.


	6. Chapter 6

Lily had never told anyone her story. No one had ever cared enough to ask. Even the Marlowes knew only vague details. Mostly they had made assumptions – some false, some true – about what her life was like before she came to live with them, but they’d never outright asked her what she’d been through. She would have had to lie anyway. They would never have let her near their children if they knew.

 

She stared blankly at the wall as the words poured out of her. She couldn’t look at Tom – one look of pity from his blue-grey eyes would have stopped her from finishing, and she needed to finish. She needed to get it out. She’d bottled it all up for so long it was like a cancer. For better or for worse, she had to tell him everything.

 

As requested, she started at the beginning. Her father’s death when she was too young to remember him. Her mother’s struggle to keep food on the table. How they never lived anywhere for more than a few months at a time – running out on rent and keeping bill collectors scrambling. What it felt like to grow up too fast – to know hunger and desperation while other children lived in blissful ignorance; to celebrate her sweet sixteen having her cherry popped in a whorehouse; to lie to her mother when she asked where the money was coming from; to use the extra cash for drugs to numb her to the horrors surrounding her. She kept up the charade for years, but after a while her mother knew. Maybe she’d always known.

 

Then came the end. The day she came home to find her mother dead on the kitchen floor. 47. Heart attack. Poor diet, lack of exercise, and stress, the doctor said. These were the by-products of a life where fast food was a luxury; where exercise meant running from one job to the next to the next; where a 16-year-old girl ends up selling herself to help pay the bills; where a daughter becomes an addict to dull the pain her mother couldn’t shield her from.

 

She was the walking dead after that. Then came the guilt, and with it the near unbearable self-loathing. More drugs. More sex. Money that came and went just as quickly: down her throat, up her nose, in her arm – it didn’t matter. She glossed over her last night at Dick’s all those years ago, telling him only that she’d become a liability. It was better he didn’t know that part. He didn’t need to know that there were only two ways out, and only one of them left you alive.

 

Then came the Marlowes. She spared no detail here, for she felt that the way she’d treated them really spoke to the kind of monster she was. She’d spat in the face of their hospitality and kindness. She’d stolen drugs from a dying woman. She’d looked after two small children while she was stoned out of her mind. She told him how she’d lost them once, at the zoo. She was completely zonked out on a bench and when she looked up, they were just gone. When she finally found them, she’d made them promise not to tell their parents. She made up a story as to why they were late for dinner that night and the children had gone along with it. She turned those two innocent children into liars just to save her own ass. It was the first time, but it hadn’t been the last.

 

And the grand finale: how she’d been caught stealing and booted from the Marlowes’ house, immediately seeking refuge in the place she loathed most. How she’d told herself she was just going there for a quick fix, but deep down she knew she’d end up staying. Because she had nowhere else to go, and no one left to help her – and all of it, every last bit, was her own fault.

 

When she’d finished she was surprised to find she hadn’t shed a single tear. She felt lighter having purged herself of some of her demons, but when she turned to look at Tom she saw him carrying the burden she’d unloaded. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy with tears. He had _that look_. She couldn’t take that look. She turned away.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I should go.”

 

“Don’t,” he said, and spun her around to face him. “Please don’t go.”

 

She sighed and looked at the ground. “Please don’t look at me like that.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“Like I’m something broken and it’s your job to fix me.” She looked him in the eyes and spoke coldly. “I don’t need your pity, Tom, and I don’t want it.”

 

Her words cut him deep and she felt the familiar pang of guilt run through her. Here he was, the only person in the world who cared enough to try to understand her, and she was pushing him away.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said.

 

“Don’t be. Please. It’s just… I don’t even know what to say.”

 

“You don’t have to say anything. It was enough for you to just listen.”

 

He looked at her, mouth slightly ajar and tongue-tied in hesitation. She knew what he was going to ask before his lips started moving.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

She nodded.

 

“What did you mean when you said you’d become a ‘liability’? It’s just… if you got out of there once, why can’t you do it again?”

 

“I was young, then, Tom. It was a singular opportunity,” she lied, “and I took it. I gambled, and I won. It won’t happen again.”

 

“I see. Well, there has to be some other way…”

 

“Tom, stop.” She put a finger to his lips. They were warm and soft. She wanted to kiss him quiet but she continued. “Not now. Not tonight.”

 

“Alright.” He sighed. “Let’s change the subject then. We can talk about anything you like.”

 

She looked at him and she knew he was sincere – that he’d do anything to bring her some small measure of comfort. She wanted to feel his arms wrapped tightly around her and taste his lips against hers. She wanted him to make slow, sweet love to her in his bed and sleep snuggled close to him. She wanted to wake up next to him in the morning and not have to make her way back to the dark place he’d taken her from. But what she wanted more than any of that was a sense of him. After sharing all of herself, she needed something from him he had yet to give her.

 

“Tell me a story, Tom,” she said. “Something you’ve never told anyone.”

 

*****

 

Tom certainly hadn’t expected Lily’s tale to be a happy one, but all that, for one person? He simply couldn’t fathom it. His heart broke for her but he had no idea how to react. He didn’t want to pity her; pity is just another way to feel superior – the worst way, perhaps, as it comes cloaked in sentiment. All he wanted was to show her kindness and compassion – love, even, for what is compassion if not a form of love? Love was something achingly absent in her life, but it can’t exist without trust and he’d done nothing to earn hers. She’d shared her story with him, yes, but not because she trusted him. She had to unload it on someone, and he had shown her kindness. That was enough for her to let go, and he was grateful she’d let her walls down, but he knew he had to give something of himself to her. Something painful. Something real. When she asked him to tell her a story, he knew just the one.

 

“She _laughed_?”

 

Lily was wide-eyed. He’d expected her to listen quietly to his story, sitting in judgment of him for letting his world crumble at something so comparatively meaningless, but she was visibly upset.

 

“Yes,” he said. He couldn’t help his voice from shaking at the memory of that night. “I can still hear that laugh sometimes. It shattered me. Completely and utterly.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Tom. You deserve so much better.”

 

Her eyes were rimmed with sadness and he could tell she meant every word. His heart broke all over again thinking that, after all she’d suffered in her life, she was capable of compassion for someone who, for all intents and purposes, was a complete stranger. That she was able to feel his pain like it was something even remotely approaching her own mystified him. He suddenly felt unworthy of her company.

 

“That’s just the thing,” he said. “I don’t actually believe that I do deserve better. I know it must sound ridiculous to you but…”

 

“It doesn’t. We all feel things, and they aren’t always rational, but it doesn’t make the pain any less real.”

 

He thought she must just be trying to appease him, but when he looked at her he saw only sincerity and it made him want to give more of himself to her.

 

“I suppose I’ve never had the best luck when it comes to relationships. I was young when my parents divorced and it put me off commitment for a long time, but I really gave my heart over to Tess and she just trampled on it like it was nothing. That has to say something about me, doesn’t it?”

 

“It says something about her, Tom, not you. If I had your heart so completely, I would never let it go.”

 

He didn’t say it – couldn’t say it – but he suspected she may already have it, and it frightened him. His instincts kicked in and he couldn’t hold back.

 

“I’m not the man you think I am, Lily. I’m dark and angry and sullen. I’m not the type of person you need. I can’t love you. I can’t love anyone.”

 

He thought his words would sting her, drive her away. It would be easier that way – for her, for him, for everyone. But she just laughed like she’d heard a funny joke.

 

“Oh, I don’t believe that for a second. You had no reason in the world to care about me, and I still don’t understand why you do, but you seem to.”

 

He looked at her strangely. Was he really so transparent as all that?

 

“You’ve only just met me. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

 

“True, but I know one thing – it takes a man with a good heart to do what you did.” She moved close to him on the couch. “You forget that I know what it’s like to lock away the part of yourself that is good, and after a while you forget it exists at all. But it’s still in there.” She put her hand on his chest and he felt his heartbeat quicken against it. “I’ve seen it.”

 

He echoed her movement and placed his hand over her heart, careful to avoid her more sensitive areas. He heard her breath catch at his touch and saw her lower lip tremble ever so slightly. Her heart was pounding and he couldn’t take his eyes off her mouth as he spoke.

 

“And I’ve seen you,” he said. “The _real_ you. And you’re lovely.”

 

She was near breathless as she spoke.

 

“Kiss me.”

 

He had been waiting for those words since the moment their eyes first met. Without hesitation, he slowly closed the distance between them and grazed her lips with his own. When they touched the world around him faded away and he let himself melt into her. All the times he’d dreamed about this kiss were nothing compared to the reality.

 

*****

 

Lily couldn’t remember the last time she’d been kissed. She’d certainly never been kissed like this. Tom was so tender with her. He brought his hand up and cupped her face as he brought his lips to hers, his mouth open only slightly. He didn’t press her any further than that, seemingly content with the sensation of their lips moving together in perfect harmony. Every so often he would pull away gently, inches from her face, and look at her with his piercing blue eyes before returning his mouth to hers. There was passion behind it, but not lust. Lily had never felt anything like it.

 

After they had explored every inch of each other’s lips, Tom grazed her lower lip with his tongue and she opened up to him, allowing him to deepen the kiss. He touched just the tip of his tongue to hers as he buried his hand in her hair and she shuddered against him as he gingerly explored the inside of her mouth. She moaned as their tongues entwined and he pulled away to look at her. She could see his chest rise and fall as he panted low and heavy.

 

“Will you come to my bed?” he asked. His breathing was shallow and his heart racing against her, betraying his need.

 

“Yes,” she said. “Please.”

 

They stood at the edge of the bed, fully clothed, and he placed a chaste kiss on her lips as he guided her down onto the bed with him, bracing himself on his elbows as he cradled her face. She ran her hands up his back to the nape of his neck, and he moaned into her as she moved her fingers up into his hair. He continued to kiss her with a delicate urgency and she could feel his arousal against her as he moved his leg between hers. He kissed a line from her lips to her neck and found that sensitive spot that made her gasp with pleasure. He moved against her slowly, and she could feel her own arousal pooling between her legs. She tried to reach down to feel him through his trousers but he stopped her.

 

“No,” he said, “just this.” He traced the line of her mouth with his thumb as he held her face. “All I want is this.”

 

He returned his mouth to hers and kept it there as his leg applied a gentle pressure between her legs. As he rocked slowly against her, she felt the sensation starting to rise in her – the one that only he could bring her. His pace never quickened. He made no move to touch her there. But the feel of his mouth on hers, the way he touched her face and neck, the way he gasped and moaned as she responded to him – it was enough. She felt herself buck up into his leg, craving just a bit more friction to achieve her release, and when it came it washed over her like rain. Her whole body was humming when he pulled his mouth from hers.

 

“Did you just…”

 

“Yes,” she said breathless.

 

“From just…”

 

“Yes. Don’t stop.”

 

They spent the rest of the night in bed – kissing, talking, laughing, kissing some more – and when Tom fell asleep next to her she stayed awake and watched him for a while. She was feeling every emotion at once and she was restless in bed next to him, exhausted but unable to sleep. She knew when she woke the magic of this night would be broken and she would be forced to return to her dark reality. She crept quietly out of the bedroom and into his study, looking for a pen and paper. There was something she had to do and it had to be now.

 

She found some nice stationary and a pen and sat down at his desk to write. She sat, contemplative, unsure where to begin. She struggled with the first paragraph but she eventually found her words.

 

_Tom,_

_Tonight is the night that you kissed me. It was exhilarating and terrifying and I can’t sleep. I tried to rest peacefully next to you in bed but I was kept awake by one nagging concern. I lied to you tonight – the one night in my life devoted to being honest, and I lied. If you know me like I suspect you might, that shouldn’t come as some great shock to you, but I’m disappointed in myself and I want to set it right. You might never see this, but if you do, it means I gambled, and I lost, and there are so many things I don’t trust myself to say to you…_

 

She poured herself onto the page, leaving nothing unsaid, and when she was done she placed the letter in an envelope and sealed it. She addressed it only “T.” and brought it to the living room, shoving it down deep into her coat pocket. He couldn’t see it. Not yet. Hopefully he never would.


	7. Chapter 7

When Tom woke just after daybreak, the space next to him in the bed was empty and cold. He felt a pang of sorrow shoot through him. She must have stolen away in the night, while he was sleeping. Whether out of fear or regret, he didn’t know. He got up and stripped and was readying himself to have a shower when he heard the teakettle screeching from the kitchen. He smiled and practically jumped into his pyjama bottoms.

 

When he poked his head into the kitchen Lily was sitting at the table, staring down into her mug as if willing it to steep faster. She looked pensive. Her long, black hair was mussed from the night’s activities and she looked as if she’d barely slept, but he was struck by her beauty all the same. There was something about catching her in that quiet moment – just a woman fixing her early morning tea – that brought a smile to his face. He found himself wishing he could start every morning this way. Usually he woke up alone and puttered about his flat for a while, lost in his own dark thoughts, reflecting on all that had gone wrong and all that could go wrong, feeding his anger’s voracious appetite. Seeing her there calmed him.

 

“Good morning, darling. I thought you’d left me.” He walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders as he kissed the top of her head. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

 

She tilted her head back to look up at him. She tried to hide it, but he saw the fear in her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t sleep.”

 

Tom didn’t have to ask. He knew why.

 

“Can I fix you breakfast?”

 

She looked back down at her tea, trying to hide her apprehension.

 

“I’m not hungry,” she said. “And you know I have to go soon.”

 

Tom felt a lump rise in his throat at the thought of her returning to that place. He wanted her to stay with him, but he knew that there was no other option but to let her go. Tom was fairly certain Richard wasn’t the type to make empty threats, and he couldn’t bear the thought of him hurting her because of something he’d done.

 

“Can I escort you back at least?”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. God only knows what kind of mood Richard will be in.”

 

He hated the thought of her going back there alone, but she was right. Tom detested Richard, and they hadn’t parted on the best of terms. He knew Lily feared they might get in a row, and she wasn’t wrong to. One wrong word or look directed at her, and Tom would not have been able to control himself. And Lily would suffer for it. Of that he had no doubt. He sighed his resignation.

 

“Alright, but I’m putting you in a cab and the ride is on me.”

 

“Tom, I don’t want your money.”

 

“Non-negotiable I’m afraid.”

 

She gave him a stubborn look before assenting. He thought it was adorable.

 

“I’ll fetch your clothes from the wash then. Do you have time for a shower?”

 

She sighed. “I don’t think so. It’s probably best I’m back before Richard gets there, and he’ll be in extra early today to check for me. I’m sure of it.”

 

He saw her hands tremble slightly as she took a sip of her tea. She was frightened, and so was he. An idea struck him like lightning.

 

“You need a mobile. I need to be able to contact you. I’m going to get you one today.”

 

She began to protest and he silenced her with one motion.

 

“No arguments. Please. I need to know you’re safe, Lily. It will eat away at me if I don’t. I won’t call you. I swear it. I’ll only text.”

 

“Tom, if he finds it…”

 

“You’re a clever girl,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll find a good hiding place for it. Please, just say yes. For me.”

 

She agreed and Tom felt a bit of weight lifted off his shoulders. He knew he couldn’t make a daily habit of going to Dick’s, but it would drive him mad not to have some sort of contact with her.

 

“How will you get it to me?” Her voice was strange when she spoke, as if she was holding something back.

 

“I’ll bring it by tonight. Richard may hate me, but he loves money.”

 

“It’s not about Richard.” She paused. There was a weight to it and he knew something had gone wrong. “You can never go back there, Tom. I think we both know why.”

 

She looked at him and he knew then that she recognized him. But had she from the start? He felt his anger swell and his jaw clenched instinctively, but he managed to control himself until he got some answers.

 

“How long have you known?”

 

“Not until this morning. The post on the counter – I recognized your surname. The Marlowes watched _Wallander_ religiously.” She smiled at him. “Magnus was my favorite. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before now. Maybe if you still had those blonde curls…”

 

She ruffled his hair and his anger left him, replaced by an intense guilt for concealing it from her. He’d been afraid that if he’d told her he was an actor, she might assume he was being insincere. He felt like a complete fraud most of the time as it was. All he’d wanted was to show her who he was as a man, to show her that he could be trusted. But Lily was a gifted actress in her own way, and she knew how easily emotion could be feigned. He didn’t want her to think that he was just playing a part.

 

He tried to apologize for keeping it from her but she interrupted.

 

“I understand why you didn’t mention it. I’m not angry. But I can’t let you go back there. You’ve risked enough already. This could be very bad for you, Tom.”

 

“I don’t care.” The words flew from his lips before he’d thought them through.

 

She rose from her seat and pulled him close, placing her delicate hand against his face and looking up at him, her dark eyes determined.

 

“Well I do care. I can’t be responsible for ruining anyone else’s life. I’ve got too much blood on my hands already.”

 

He shook his head.

 

“You are the only person that’s ever truly seen me for who I am. You didn’t run. You’re not scared or disgusted. You just understand. I can’t let you go. I won’t.”

 

Lily just sighed. “You say that now, and I know you believe it, but a time will come when you have to make a choice. I’m the wrong choice, Tom. You know that.”

 

He reached his hand up and interlaced his fingers with hers. “I make my own choices.” He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “And I’m choosing to come round tonight. I’ll be there around 10.”

 

He chose a specific time in the hopes that she’d make sure she was free. It sickened him to think of arriving unannounced to find her unavailable, but he had to accept the reality of the situation. There was nothing he could do for now but make sure he had a way to keep in contact with her while he figured out his next move.

 

*****

 

Tom placed a chaste kiss on Lily’s lips as he put her in a cab. She could see in his eyes that he was unhappy about it, but they both knew there was no other option. Still, when she felt his lips on hers all she wanted was to run back inside with him and hide herself away from whatever horrors were awaiting her back at Dick’s. But it was an impossible dream. All she could do was smile at him through the open window, willing herself to stay strong until she could be with him again.

 

“10 o’clock,” he said. “I’ll be there.”

 

“I’ll be waiting.”

 

And she would be. Whatever today had in store for her, the thought of him would keep her going. That and…

 

“Shit.”

 

As the cab sped away she realized she’d left her stash tucked away in Tom’s bathroom. She’d wrapped it up and put it in the wastebin, so odds are he wouldn’t find it. Not that he didn’t know about the drugs. She’d told him everything, and he hadn’t judged her for it, but the idea of him finding it made her feel ill. She wanted to be better than that in his mind, despite the fact that both of them knew she wasn’t. In all likelihood he would just empty the trash, ignorant to its contents. But that meant that she’d have to go back to Richard for more. Already. And he wasn’t going to like that.

 

She felt nauseated and anxious as she got closer and closer to her destination and she began to sweat profusely. It could have just been withdrawal, but she knew there was more to it than just her body’s physical need. The closer she got, the more convinced she grew that she was in for a punishing day. Despite the fact that he got paid in full and that she was returning early as promised, Richard was not going to be happy with her. She knew that thoughts of Tom’s return wouldn’t be enough to get her through the day; she needed the drugs, and she hated herself for it.

 

As she approached the door she prayed that Richard wouldn’t be there, but like so many times before, her prayers went unanswered. He was standing at the bar with his arms crossed and smirk on his face.

 

“Have a nice night with your new boyfriend, Lil?”

 

His words stung more than they should have. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was to Tom, but she certainly wasn’t his girlfriend. She knew that much, but Richard’s words still cut her deep.

 

“He’s not my boyfriend, Richard. He’s just another guy.”

 

But he wasn’t. He was so much more than that, but she needed to convince Richard that she viewed Tom the same as she would anyone else. She feared what he might do to him if she didn’t.

 

“Well I don’t want to see him in here again. Entitled prick, thinks he can make his own rules.”

 

She felt herself starting to panic but she had to maintain her composure. She couldn’t let Richard ban him from the place.

 

“Richard, please,” she said. She played dumb, her voice calm. “His money’s as good as anyone else’s.”

 

“I don’t like him, Lil. I make the rules around here, and I’m telling you right now if I see him walk through that door again, I’m throwing him out on his arse – and that’s me playing nice.”

 

She started to crack and her desperation began to seep into her voice.

 

“Please don’t do this. I’ve already told him to come round tonight. He’s sorry for the way he acted yesterday.” She lied. She had to. “If you like, I’ll tell him not to come again after tonight, but there’s no need for a scene.”

 

Richard’s face turned hard. He saw straight through her.

 

“You do fancy him, don’t you?”

 

He laughed. It was filled with cruelty. He came out from behind the bar and grabbed her by the neck.

 

“I’ll bet he shagged you good, didn’t he. Did he take you out? Wine you and dine you? Treat you like a proper woman instead of the filthy whore you are?”

 

Lily couldn’t breathe and tears were pooling in her eyes. She scratched at Richard’s hands and he just laughed again.

 

“You’re nothing to him, girl. You’re nothing to anyone. You’re just a slit with a pretty face. Never forget that.”

 

He let her go and she grabbed at her throat, coughing and gulping down the air her lungs were screaming for.

 

“And one more thing,” he said, pulling a switchblade from his pocket. “If you keep lying to me, you won’t have that pretty face no more.”

 

She couldn’t take her eyes off the blade. She was sweating buckets now and surely white as a sheet.

 

“You look like shit. Go get yourself right.”

 

She was terrified but she had no choice but to ask him for a fix.

 

“It fell out of my pocket, Richard, I swear. If I’d taken all that, I’d be dead.”

 

He looked at her, his eyes questioning her silently, but he gave in and handed her a fresh batch.

 

“Stupid cunt, you are. I’m charging you double for this.”

 

“It won’t happen again.”

 

“Oh,” he said, flashing the blade at her again and smiling, “I know it won’t.”

 

She was walking up the stairs when she heard him call out to her.

 

“And about loverboy… I’ll let him in tonight, just so I can charge him triple. And when he’s done with you, I’m going to teach him who’s boss around here.” Her stomach churned and she knew she was about to throw up. “And, Lil, if you warn him, you’re next.”

 

She ran up the stairs, barely making it to the loo before spewing out the contents of her stomach – not much in there but her morning tea, and when that was gone her body heaved dry and harsh for a good five minutes. She lay on the cold tile floor for a long while, clutching her stomach and shaking, her body drenched in sweat. She could barely make it to her room, but she forced herself up. She couldn’t remember the last time she needed a fix so badly. Forty milligrams straight up the nose and she was near comatose, the way she needed to be.

 

She stared up at the ceiling, her mind racing while her body melted into the bed. The thought of Tom showing up later was worse to her now than that of the men that would come before him. She knew she had to warn him, no matter the consequence. She could take a beating for him, maybe even Richard’s knife, and the realization frightened her. She wasn’t scared of the pain – that could be dulled, pushed away, and it would fade with time; she was more terrified of the lengths she would go to for Tom, and what he might go through for her. She never asked for this, never wanted it, but she knew there was no turning back.

 

*****

 

After Lily left, Tom paced his flat for the better part of an hour. His mind was flooded with thoughts of her – some beautiful, some sad – and he couldn’t shake the fear he felt thinking of her walking in the door of that place. Would Richard be waiting for her already? Was he right this very moment taking his anger out on her?

 

He was snapped out of his dark speculations by the sound of his mobile ringing. He hadn’t even looked at it since Lily had returned it to him. He must have dozens of missed calls and voicemails, but none of it mattered to him. He looked at the screen and saw it was Luke calling. He didn’t want to, but he answered it. He would have to own up to his behavior eventually.

 

“Where the hell have you been, Tom? I’ve left you I don’t even know how many messages and texts.”

 

“Terribly sorry if I worried you. I’ve not been feeling well.” It was a half-truth. It would suffice. “I slept most of the day yesterday.”

 

“We need to talk about what happened the other night, and I know you know what I’m talking about. Kenneth called me. He’s worried, Tom, and frankly so am I. What the hell is going on with you, man?”

 

“I honestly don’t know what got into me the other night. I will call Ken and apologize. I meant to yesterday but I was so ill.”

 

“Well, that’s a start, but this can never happen again. Ever.”

 

Tom felt like he was a child being scolded, and it angered him even though he knew every word was true. He tried to keep his voice calm, to use his soothing tone – the one everyone always fell for.

 

“I wasn’t myself, Luke. I’ll set things right. Ken and I have a lot of history. I just need to talk to him.”

 

Luke sounded exasperated but he agreed and rung off. Tom bit the bullet and called Ken. He was relieved when it went straight to voicemail.

 

“Ken, it’s Tom. Listen, I cannot apologize enough for the way I acted the other night. I don’t know what came over me and I’m horribly embarrassed. I could not have acted more unprofessionally and I hope you can forgive me for my absolutely abhorrent behavior. Please phone when you get this.”

 

There. Done. He knew Ken would forgive him, and Luke would get over it. The both of them cared about his career too much to tarnish his reputation by telling anyone else what had happened. Once he actually spoke with Ken, he’d be able to put the whole incident behind him. But he couldn’t focus on them any further. He was desperately wrapped up in thoughts of Lily. He dressed quickly and headed to the Apple store. He thought an iPhone best – it was thin enough that it could be concealed easily once Lily figured out a good spot for it, which he had no doubt she would. She was exceedingly clever. It pained him to think of all the things she could have been if her life had taken a brighter turn.

 

Once the phone was all set up and ready, the first thing he did was put his number in it. He decided to put himself in as “Magnus” – he would insist she password lock it, but if somehow Richard did find it and demanded she show him the contents, at least his name wouldn’t be in there. He would probably make the connection regardless, but Tom figured he could buy Lily a little time to come up with some lie that might save her from Richard’s wrath. But he was kidding himself. If Richard caught her with a mobile she was done. He suddenly felt disgusted with himself for insisting on it. It was selfish of him to put her in danger just so he could have peace of mind and contact her when he pleased. He tried to push his self-serving motivations out of his head and think of it as her lifeline, after all it would be the only way she could get help if she found herself in danger. But if it brought the danger to her… he couldn’t think about it. He would give it to her tonight. He had to.

****

*****

 

Lily hadn’t intended on nodding off but she was exhausted in body and mind and sleep took her against her will. She woke to a violent banging at the door and Richard’s voice screaming for her to get downstairs. She knew by his tone he would take no mercy on her tonight. She shuddered to think of the type of men he’d send her way. She quickly fixed herself up, applying layer upon layer of foundation to cover the bruises Richard had left on her neck. They were still somewhat visible, but only up-close, and she had no choice but to give up and get dressed. She was happy she’d let Tom wash her clothes. They smelled fresh and they reminded her of him.

 

When she got downstairs Richard just shook his head at her.

 

“You just gonna wear the same thing night after night? Go borrow something from Trixie, and make sure it screams _whore_.” He spit the word at her. “Wouldn’t want anyone else mistaking you for a lady.”

 

Trixie had been at Dick’s for as long as Lily could remember. She was Richard’s favorite – always did what he asked without question, including spying on the other girls and reporting back to him. She wasn’t surprised when Trixie started her barrage of questions about what had happened the night before.

 

“So out with it, then. He’s a good-looking bloke, that one. I need details.”

 

That was code for Richard needs details. She lied through her teeth as she squeezed herself into an impossibly tight red dress. It barely covered her ass and her breasts were spilling out of the top. She figured Richard couldn’t complain. It certainly screamed whore.

 

“He’s easy on the eyes, I’ll give you that, but he’s an odd one.”

 

“How so?” Trixie asked. Lily could feel her memorizing every word she said.

 

“Where do I begin?” Lily put all her creative energy into the lie, knowing it was important that the story Richard heard from Trixie allay at least some of his suspicions.

 

“He’s married.” Lie. “But his wife is pretty vanilla – missionary only, every other Saturday type of thing. He’s bored to tears with her, but she’s got family money so he’ll never leave her.”

 

“Go on.”

 

“He’s into doing it in public – that’s why he wanted to take me out for the night. We ended up at some posh nightclub fucking in the bathroom, then the alley behind the club. Basically anywhere he could find where we might get caught. It gets him all hot and bothered.”

 

“Sounds fun,” Trixie said. She might as well have been writing it down she was so obvious.

 

“And then there was the rough stuff. He took me to a hotel and pulled out this bag – whip, cuffs, gags, the whole deal.”

 

“Well all in all it sounds like you had quite the evening.”

 

“Sure did,” Lily faked a laugh. “He definitely got his money’s worth.”

 

Trixie leaned in to her, her voice low. “Just be careful,” she said, her concern so blatantly fake Lily would have laughed had she not had an important role to play. “Richard is out for his blood.”

 

“Thanks, Trix.”

 

Lily headed back downstairs, knowing Richard intended on having his network of in-house spies watching her every word and deed. She knew he’d have someone – probably Donnie, since he sometimes slipped Richard a few quid to listen in on the girls fucking – stationed outside her door when Tom was there. Richard would want to know what they talked about, especially if Tom got warning of his intentions. She knew they’d both have to put on a show tonight, and much as she didn’t want him to have her in that dark, dirty room, he would have to take her. And it would need to be convincing. It made her sick to think of having him after however many men would come before him. It’s not as if he was ignorant to the job, and the first night he had assumed she’d been with other men when in reality he was the first man she’d had sex with in a long time. But tonight would be different, and it made her so terribly sad. Suddenly she needed a stiff drink. It was too soon to fix again but she needed to steel herself up for the night ahead.

 

She walked up to the bar and Richard licked his lips.

 

“That’s more like it.”

 

She got herself a whiskey and downed it in two gulps before Richard pointed her toward a man in the corner. Lily had never seen him before.

 

“What’s his deal?” she asked, savoring the buzz, starting not to care.

 

“I dunno, Lil,” he said, “but he asked for you.”


	8. Chapter 8

Lily was apprehensive as she approached the man at the corner table, and with every step she became more certain she’d never seen him before in her life. Yet he had asked for her by name – the name Lola, granted, but still. The man was clearly nervous. He was avoiding eye contact by fidgeting with his mobile and he didn’t even notice her until she sidled into the seat next to him.

 

“This seat taken?” She smiled and crossed her leg in towards him, rubbing her stiletto up and down his calf. She knew Richard was watching and she needed to really sell it tonight.

 

The man was middle-aged, 50s probably, and nondescript except for his glasses, which were old-fashioned and thick. He was jumpy at her touch and he looked at her with strangely fearful eyes, magnified by the thickness of his lenses.

 

“Are you Lola?” he asked. His voice cracked.

 

“I am.” She reached placed her hand on his thigh and she felt him tremble at her touch. Something was off, but she couldn’t pinpoint what. “What can I do for you tonight?”

 

He looked around, jittery. She could tell he didn’t like being in the place. It was a feeling she was more than familiar with. When he looked back at her his mouth was open but he seemed unable to find words to express what he wanted.

 

“Buy a girl a drink?” she asked. Maybe some liquor would loosen him up a bit. Lily didn’t want to think about what Richard’s reaction would be if this guy walked out.

 

“It would be my pleasure,” he said. “What can I get you?”

 

“Whiskey.”

 

He smiled. “A woman after my own heart. I’ll be right back.”

 

The man’s mood seemed to lighten a bit. Maybe he was just a drunk and needed to get a taste to relax. She understood that feeling, too. When he returned to the table with their drinks, he seemed slightly more comfortable. He took a large gulp of his whiskey before setting it down and looking at her.

 

“I’m not quite sure how all this works exactly,” he said. He seemed embarrassed but smiled through it. “I’ve never done this before.”

 

That was more than obvious and Lily was relieved. This guy would be easy, at least. She gave him a wink and a winning smile.

 

“Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of you.” She saw Richard lurking on the periphery, wearing a look that said time is money. “Why don’t we take our drinks upstairs – someplace more private – and I can explain it to you in more detail.”

 

When they got upstairs Lily scanned the hallway – no sign of Donnie, and Trixie was busy with one of her regulars. She let the man into her room and told him to have a seat on the bed. He was staring down into his near-empty glass. He hadn’t looked at her once since they entered. She was about to speak when she saw him reach under his glasses to wipe his eyes.

 

“Are you alright?” she asked. Her concern was genuine. It surprised her.

 

“I’m sorry, Miss. I should never have come here.”

 

Lily grabbed the tissue box from the side table and handed it to him. She walked to the corner of the room and looked out the window. She could sense his embarrassment and shame and wanted to give him a moment.

 

“You’re very kind,” he said. “My friend said you were pretty, but he never mentioned you were sweet as well.”

 

“What friend is that?” she asked. She knew it was best not to ask questions but she just had to know how this stranger had come to be there, asking for her specifically.

 

“My friend… I shouldn’t use names, probably. Large fellow, was in here the other evening. Told me to ask for you. Said you were just lovely.”

 

Lily got flashbacks of the disgusting fat man and what he’d done to her and she felt sick. She was suddenly much more wary of the man sitting on her bed. Lord knows what his friend had told him, and what he expected of her.

 

“Well that was nice of him,” she said. She tried to mask her disgust as she spoke.

 

“He thought I could use a good… well, you know. My wife passed a year ago yesterday and I’ve been having a rough go of it. He thought it might help me to…”

 

He trailed off and she could hear his labored breathing as he tried to hold back from weeping. Lily felt a deep empathy for his loss. He was right in thinking he should never have come there. She could sense he was a good man, an honorable man. He chose his mates quite poorly, apparently, but other than that, she got the sense that he was just lost and lonely and didn’t know where to turn.

 

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, you know,” she said, turning to him and meeting his eyes. He was still in mourning – maybe he always would be – and she wanted to bring him some measure of comfort. It was something she hadn’t been given when she’d needed it most. “We can just talk.”

 

He smiled at her as he dabbed at the corners of his eyes. “I’d like that, Lola. I’d like that very much.”

 

He spent the rest of his hour with her talking about his late wife. They had known each other since they were children and he’d never been with another woman. His love for her was palpable as he spoke about the little things she used to do to make him happy, and his grief was as strong now as on the day she’d left him – maybe more so. It made Lily so sad to think that even a life blessed with love from the start could end up shattered to pieces, that even this man – a kind, hardworking, loving man – could end up here.

 

The knock at the door came hard and swift.

 

“Guess that means my time’s up, then?” he said. He took her hand in both of his and held it to his chest, looking at her with such gratitude it would have moved her to tears had she been anywhere else but where she was. “Thank you, Lola. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a sad old man.”

 

She smiled. “You’ve got some life in you yet. Do yourself a favor and don’t waste it coming round places like this.”

 

“She would be so ashamed of me.”

 

“No,” Lily said. “She wouldn’t. You did nothing wrong. You’re just lonely. We all get lonely. But don’t ever come back here. You’re better than this place.”

 

He looked at her and smiled. “So are you.”

 

Three more knocks on the door, harder this time.

 

“I’d better be off then.” He paused. The awkwardness returned. “So, do I pay you or…”

 

She hated to take his money but she had to.

 

“You can leave it with me,” she said. “But can you do me a favor?”

 

“Anything.”

 

“That man behind the bar – the owner – if he asks…”

 

“I’ll tell him you made me feel better than I’ve felt in a long, long time.”

 

*****

 

Tom was restless. He had a few hours to kill before he was supposed to meet Lily and he couldn’t help himself playing out all the possible scenarios in his head. He needed to get out of the house, try to relax and let go of all the dark thoughts plaguing him. He decided to go for a run. Running was one of the few things that calmed him when his darkness took over. A nice, long run would cleanse his mind and take him out of himself, if only for a short while.

 

He set out from his flat, his iPod set to his workout playlist, and started to run. He lost himself in the music as he let his legs carry him wherever they felt like going. He focused on the burning in his muscles, the rush of endorphins flowing through him as he pushed himself as hard as he could go. For the first time in days he wasn’t thinking, analyzing, speculating – he just _was_. He was body without mind, and by the time he stopped he felt absolutely fantastic.

 

He ended up on the South Bank, drenched in cathartic sweat and stretching out his aching muscles. He was about to head back home when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

 

“Hello, Tom.”

 

All the peace his run had brought him was instantly drained from his body and he tensed up as the fury pumped through him like fire in his veins. He didn’t turn around. He didn’t have to.

 

“Keep walking, Tess. I have nothing to say to you.”

 

She laughed. _That fucking laugh_. “Oh come on, Thomas. It’s been ages since all that. I’ve apologized for the way things ended.”

 

“Your apology is SHIT.” He was yelling. He couldn’t help himself. People were starting to stare. “Just fuck off, will you?”

 

He heard the click of her heels as she approached him and spun himself around.

 

“Don’t fucking touch me, Tess. I swear to God…”

 

“Oh, please. What are you going to do? Hit me? Toss me in the river?”

 

She laughed again. The sound brought him back to his darkest hour and he felt his whole body surge with an uncontrollable rage. At that moment he couldn’t think of anything he’d like to do more. He’d never struck a woman, never would, but she was pushing all his buttons and he strained against the urge to wrap his hands around her neck and choke her within an inch of her life.

 

“I said FUCK OFF!” He screamed at her, just inches from her face, but she just smiled. She was enjoying this.

 

“Alright.” She spoke in that condescending tone of hers and he wanted to slap that smirk off her face. “No need to make a scene. You have a lovely evening, Thomas.”

 

She walked away and left him seething. An elderly couple stood nearby, staring daggers at him and he lost it.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”

 

They shuddered as he screamed at them, the veins in his neck nearly popping through his skin, and scurried away. He looked around him and saw a crowd starting to form. His fists were clenched so tightly he thought he might break the skin and he was breathing heavy. He took off running. The last thing he needed was for someone to call the police. He ran hard, pounding his rage onto the pavement, but it brought him no release. He had to see Lily. He was out on a ledge, precarious, and she was the only one who could bring him down.

 

A scalding hot shower did nothing for him. He dressed himself in full black – mostly leather with a black v-neck underneath. The color matched his mood, and he always felt more in control when he was sheathed in leather. The clock read 8pm. Two more hours. He scrambled to find his pack of Mayfairs and lit one up, inhaling deeply and feeling his lungs burn. When that one was finished, he lit another and poured himself four fingers of scotch. He paced the room, kicking away anything in his path. The clock ticked painfully slow. He didn’t know if he would make it.

 

*****

 

Lily felt strangely satisfied when the sad man left. It was more than just the fact that he hadn’t wanted her to pleasure him. She knew she had done him a kindness, had given him something he needed far more than sex, and it made her almost happy. But the feeling was fleeting, as it always was. One harsh knock at the door broke her spirit as Donnie’s voice came booming through the door.

 

“Got another one for ya. Downstairs in 5.”

 

She didn’t respond. With no need to clean herself up, she took the five minutes to sit quietly and get herself back in the right headspace for whatever was coming next. She knew she would not be so lucky this time. She contemplated taking half a pill but decided against it. Tom would be there soon enough, and she needed to be together enough to make sure that everything with him went off without a hitch. It was going to be complicated, and she’d need her head as clear as possible to pull it off. One wrong move would put them both in danger.

 

Downstairs a large man was seated at the bar across from Richard. He motioned for her to come and she obliged. The large man swiveled on his stool to face her.

 

“Well hello, gorgeous.”

 

He wasn’t an unattractive man, but his face was hard and full of menace. He was built like a brick shithouse and his grip was harsh and firm as he reached out and grabbed her ass. It hurt like hell but she just smiled.

 

“Hello yourself.”

 

“This is Lola,” Richard said. “She’ll take good care of you.”

 

Brick shithouse licked his lips and grinned. There was evil in it. “Oh, I bet she will.”

 

Lily led him upstairs, putting on the usual show – a subtle swing of the hips as she walked, a backward glance with batted eyelashes. When they got to the room he was on her in an instant. He threw her facedown on the bed, swiftly pushing her dress up and stripping her of her g-string, and slapped her hard across her backside before grabbing both cheeks. He dug his nails in and squeezed. She knew it would leave a mark.

 

“Mmmm,” he hissed, “that’s one luscious arse.”

 

He flipped her over and yanked her onto her feet.

 

“Take off your dress.”

 

She could barely get it off it was so tight but she managed to shimmy out of it. The man already had his cock out and was stroking it slowly as he watched her. When she was naked he grabbed her rough by the wrist and put her hand on him.

 

“Stroke my cock.”

 

She followed his orders and began to jerk him hard. It wasn’t all that big but she told him it was. She knew he would like that. They all did.

 

“Get down on your knees. Put it in your mouth.”

 

She did and he moaned as she swirled her tongue around the tip. For a moment she thought she might get away with taking him slow and easy but he grabbed her hair and started thrusting hard. She opened her throat to him and focused on breathing through her nose, a difficult task as all the drug sniffing had clogged her nasal passages. She fought for air as he fucked her face and when she started to gag he pulled her off of him, laughing.

 

“Good girl,” he said. “Now get on the bed. All fours.”

 

She crawled up onto the bed and quickly pulled the condom and lubricant out of the drawer before he got any ideas. Mercifully, he took both. A snap and a squirt and he was full inside her, digging his fingers into her hips as he pumped violently in and out. It wasn’t all that bad. He thought he was being rough but he had no idea what rough could mean.

 

“That’s it. Take my cock you fucking whore.”

 

He grabbed her arms and held them crossed at the wrist behind her back as he continued to pound away. At one point she thought he might pop her shoulder out of the socket but it held strong. She faked her pleasure, told him how much she liked it, how big he felt inside of her – all the necessary bullshit to get a guy off as quick as possible. He let go of her arms and grabbed her hair hard as he was about to come. She felt a few strands rip out as he grunted and groaned his way to climax. It took him a little longer than she would have liked, but he finished with a shudder and moan and pulled out of her, satisfied. She turned herself over and propped herself up on one elbow. The usual shit spilled out of her mouth on autopilot – you fucked me so good, best I’ve ever had, blah blah blah. He seemed pleased with himself as he handed her a stack of bills and walked out. All things considered, it could have been a lot worse.

 

She looked at the clock – 9:45. She usually performed only a cursory clean-up, but for Tom she wanted to have a shower. She poked her head out into the hallway to make sure no one was coming for her and snuck into the bathroom for a quick but thorough washing. Showering was considered a waste of time when there was money to be made, and she’d be reprimanded for it if they caught her – especially since Richard would know that it was for Tom’s benefit. She made sure to avoid getting her hair wet. Her luck held as she crept quickly back to her room, squeezing herself back into Trixie’s dress and fixing her makeup. The bruises Richard had left looked worse now, and the foundation wasn’t doing much to hide them, but she did what she could and when the knock came at the door, she was ready for it.

 

Richard threw the door open and looked at her with murder in his eyes.

 

“Loverboy’s here. I’ll send him up after I take all his money. And, Lil, you’d best remember what I said. One fucking word to him and…”

 

“I know, Richard. You made yourself very clear earlier.”

 

“Watch your tone with me, girl. I’m gettin’ real tired of your shit.”

 

She faked an apology and he slammed the door behind him. She had worked out the plan in her head. She just hoped Tom would be able to follow it.


	9. Chapter 9

When Tom walked through the door, Richard was waiting for him. He stood puffed up and looked ready for a fight, and with the mood Tom was in, he would have gladly obliged him. But he was certain Lily would suffer for it so he pushed his rage down deep and spoke to him casually.

 

“Hello, Richard. Lola around?”

 

That name rolled painfully off his tongue but he knew he had to use it.

 

“She’s just finished up with the last bloke.” Richard smiled, knowing his words would sting. “She’s been real busy tonight.”

 

Tom felt the bile rise in his throat thinking about what Richard must have put her through, and despite himself, he couldn’t help but be disgusted thinking about her with who knew how many men before him. He pushed the thought away. He had to.

 

“Good timing then, I suppose.” Then came the part he’d been dreading – a necessary evil, but one that burned him nonetheless. “Listen, mate. I’m sorry about yesterday. I…”

 

“Save it,” Richard spat back at him. “You’re lucky I’m even letting you back in here. And I’m charging you triple for tonight – straight in my pocket, right now.”

 

Tom handed over the cash, knowing Richard would keep it all for himself, but he had no other option. All that mattered was getting upstairs and giving her the mobile. He would have handed over his life savings to get to her. Richard smiled as he counted the money.

 

“Best get up there. Your hour started when you walked in the door.”

 

Tom rushed up the stairs to find a man lurking outside the door. He didn’t like the look of him but he ignored it. Time was ticking. He entered the room and found Lily sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing an indecent dress and caked in makeup. Her eyes screamed of terror and she pointed at the door as she quickly mouthed to him, “They’re listening.”

 

His heart sank. He knew what that meant. He quickly dug the mobile out of his coat pocket and pulled up the text screen with his number, handing it to her. He’d already set her phone to silent, and quickly did the same with his own. He knew he had to speak soon but hated what would have to come out of his mouth.

 

“Love the dress, Lola,” he lied, “but I’d rather see you out of it.”

 

That much was true at least. She was texting him frantically as she spoke in Lola’s voice.

 

“Well why don’t you help me out of it, big boy.”

 

He feigned excitement as his phone lit up.

 

_R spying can’t talk have to play rough tonight_

 

Tom felt his rage rising. He’d come there hoping for comfort, but there would be none of that. The thought of being with her there, and of having to be with her in that way, both horrified and sickened him. But he could tell she had thought this through and knew there must be a reason for it. She stripped herself of her clothes and played her role to perfection as he texted back.

 

“You like what you see?”

 

He moaned approval as he hit send.

 

_What do I have to do_

“Let’s see that big, fat cock of yours.”

 

_Has to sound real you have to make it hurt pretend it’s like the first night_

 

It was the last thing he wanted, but the thing that bothered him most was that he knew he could do it. He was filled with the same fire he had been the night he met her, and out of that ghastly dress and naked before him, his body betrayed his mind and his arousal started to surge in his trousers. She fumbled with his belt as loudly as she could. When she stood before him, he saw the marks. He went limp and his fingers flew across the touch screen.

 

_What happened to your neck did R do that to you_

 

“Oooh so hard for me already,” she purred as her thumbs tapped away.

 

_Not now I’ll explain later just focus call me names slap me around you have to please_

He squeezed his eyes closed and grimaced as he ran his hand through his hair and resigned himself to what he was about to do – what he had to do. It killed him that he had to hurt her to protect her. He set his phone down and she did the same. Time to get into character.

 

With eyes closed he pictured her the way she was last night in his bed, so beautiful and natural in his clothes, her lips dancing with his. He started to get hard again as she stroked his cock and he let the foul things roll off his tongue.

 

“Open your slut mouth. I’m gonna fuck a hole in your head.”

 

She made a show of it, spitting loudly onto him, oohing and aahing as moved her hand up and down his length. She took him in her mouth and sucked him loud and sloppy. He couldn’t deny it felt good, and when she opened her throat to him and took him deep he let out a guttural groan that was as real as anything. He let it happen – let his dark urges take over him. He grabbed her hair and threw his head back as he thrust as far as he could. He could hear her gag and struggle for breath and he looked down at her. She gave a slight nod and her eyes told him to keep going so he held it there. She gave him a hand signal when she couldn’t take anymore and he let her go with a loud pop. She gulped down air and waited until she caught her breath. She looked at him, pleading, and he spoke again.

 

“Get on the bed.” He picked her up and tossed her and the mattress springs creaked loud under the weight of the impact. “On your knees. Now.”

 

He barked his commands, knowing full well that the louder and meaner he sounded, the better off they’d both be in the end.

 

“Magnums in the drawer for you, big boy.”

 

He snapped the condom on and approached her. When ran his fingers across her entrance she was bone dry. He started back to the drawer for the lubricant but she grabbed his arm and shook her head violently. He looked down at her, horrified, but she just mouthed “No.” He really didn’t know if he could take her this way and his blue eyes pleaded with her to let him lube her up but she was having none of it. She mouthed to him – “Do it. Please.” – and the realization that he would really, truly have to hurt her made him feel sick inside, but he had no choice but to follow her lead. He summoned all the strength he had and went in dry.

 

*****

 

Lily cried out as he pushed into her. He was going too slow, trying to be delicate when he needed to be rough, and as much as it burned she thrust back onto him as hard as she could to take his full length inside of her. She would have bit the pillow but knew that her screams were a necessary part of this terrible game she was forced to play. She felt worse for Tom than she did for herself. She could take the pain. She’d taken worse. But she knew it was killing him to do this to her and the tears she shed were more from heartbreak than pain.

 

He tried to remain motionless, holding her hips in place to let her adjust to his size, but she had to keep going. She turned her head around to look at him. He looked so terribly guilty but she needed him to keep in character. She hated to do this to him but it was the only way.

 

“Is that all you got?”

 

And then she laughed at him. The cruelest laugh she could muster. The one she knew would set his blood boiling. She saw the change in him instantly and she knew it had worked. He gripped her hips hard and started thrusting furiously, his face hard as steel and his jaw clenched tight. She knew he had gone to his dark place when he started punctuating each thrust with vile words.

 

“Fucking cunt. Stupid bitch. Dirty whore.”

 

His hand came down hard on her ass and she cried out.

 

“More.”

 

“You like that, don’t you, bitch.”

 

“Yes.”

 

He did it again.

 

“Does it hurt? Tell me it hurts.”

 

“It hurts.”

 

And it did. She heard him grunt and groan and she knew her plan was working. His pace was frantic and she gripped the sheets tight in her hands. She knew she couldn’t look at him or it would break the trance she’d put him in. He pulled out of her and tried to flip her over but she shook her head. He did it anyway and when he looked at her his eyes were dark with lust and rage. He wasn’t seeing her. It stung her a bit but she knew it was for the best. He pulled her legs apart and got on his knees in front of her before pushing back into her. He kept his distance from her, holding her ankles wide as he thrust his hips back and forth. His eyes were closed and his mouth was open. He was breathing heavily, his lean, muscular frame glistening with the sheen of sweat, and she felt her arousal surge. Her body was starting to accept him and he could feel it. His eyes snapped open and he looked at her, seeing _her_.

 

He dropped her legs and swung them around his waist as he pressed his body down on hers. She gripped him to her tightly as he lowered his lips to her ear.

 

“Are you OK,” he whispered.

 

She nodded.

 

“I am so sorry, Lily.”

 

“I’m fine,” she whispered back. “Keep going.”

 

He slowed his pace a bit and she started to moan softly. She was nowhere near close to orgasm but the pain had been replaced with pleasure and he felt amazing inside her. He buried his hands in her hair as his body slid across hers, going deep with each thrust. She loved how he felt, but he was breaking character. His harsh words had turned to deep groans and his rough grip to tender caress. She could feel Donnie on the other side of the door, his ear pressed to the thin wood, listening for any sign of her pleasure. If he reported back to Richard that Tom wasn’t as rough as she had made him out to be, they were both fucked.

 

She turned Tom’s face to hers, her eyes dead serious, and whispered, “Hit me.”

 

*****

 

Tom was jolted out of his pleasure by those two horrible words. He shook his head furiously and kept his voice low. “I can’t.”

 

“You have to,” she whispered. “And it has to leave a mark.”

 

The rough sex and dirty talk was one thing. She really was clever – she knew just how to bring the rage out of him, and he let it happen, knowing it was her choice and she could handle it. But this was too much. He couldn’t hit any woman, but her? The though of striking her beautiful face turned his stomach. He tried to pull away but she clung to him with her thighs and grabbed his face.

 

“Do it,” she whispered. “Think about her and just do it.”

 

The thought of hurting her in that way brought the realization rushing into him with painful clarity and the words spilled from his mouth.

 

“I love you,” he whispered. “I can’t do this.”

 

“I love you, too.” She let herself smile for a brief moment as she ran her hand down his chiseled face. “But if you don’t do it, he will.”

 

He pushed up off of her and closed his eyes. He forced the image of Tess into his mind. He thought of the horrible things she’d done to him, all the pain she’d caused, what he’d let himself become because of her, and he swallowed deep as he brought his hand up and down hard across her face. Once, twice, three times. He yelled horrible, unspeakable things down at her and he lost count of how many times he’d struck her. He saw red and all he could hear was the sound of Tess’s horrible laughter ringing in his ears. He snapped out of it when he felt her tears hot and wet against his palm. The side of her face was beet red and already swollen. He jumped back off the bed, eyes wide with the horror of what he’d just done, and gripped his hair hard in his hands. She was crying, really crying. He’d long since lost his erection and he knew he couldn’t finish, so he reached down deep and gave everything he had into his performance.

 

He stood, facing away from her, feigning grunts and groans as he cried out towards whomever was listening behind the door.

 

“Sit up, bitch. I’m gonna come all over that slut face of yours.”

 

He pulled he condom off with a snap. He heard Lily on the bed, back in control, but he couldn’t look at her.

 

“Mmmmmm give it to me, big boy.”

 

“Shut the fuck up and open your mouth.”

 

He faked a thunderous orgasm and the breathless aftershock, then quickly snatched his mobile off the table.

 

_I am so so sorry forgive me_

 

She picked hers up and typed furiously.

 

_I’m fine no time R is going to hurt you when you leave you have to get out of here fast please pretend you know nothing he’ll kill me_

 

He looked at her, puffy and swollen from his vicious attack and a tear fell from his eye.

 

_I can’t leave you like this please I have to get you out of here_

She gave him a look that said put your game face on and responded.

 

_I’ll figure something out please just get out as fast as you can quick say something nasty_

 

He hated himself so much at that moment he could barely breathe but he knew what he had to do.

 

“I don’t think I’ll be seeing you again. You’re not worth the money.”

 

_I love you Lily_

_I love you too Tom now go please be careful_

 

Tom dressed quickly and gathered his things, placing a gentle kiss on her lips before exiting and slamming the door behind him. For good measure, he called her a bitch on the way out. Richard’s spy was still lurking. Tom just smiled at him casually as he strolled past, steeling himself up for whatever Richard had planned for him on the way out.

 

When he got downstairs he saw Richard standing at the exit, flanked by two large men. He was holding a bat and staring right at Tom. He didn’t have to feign surprise – he’d expected a bit of a rumble, but this was escalating quickly. He strode toward the group of men, readying himself for battle. When got within a few feet of them he stopped.

 

“What’s the problem?”

 

“You’re the problem, mate.”

 

Richard swung the bat at his head. He ducked in the nick of time, charging Richard and knocking him into the two men behind him. Tom managed to wrestle the bat free and sent it flying across the room as punches were thrown left and right. Someone connected with his lower back, and the pain sent his mind reeling, but he focused on fighting his way out of there. He had to. For Lily. He couldn’t help her from a hospital bed. He let his fury fuel him and felt his fist connect with Richard’s jaw, sending him flying back into a table. Tom refocused his energy on the two men still standing between him and his freedom. He ducked a punch or two and then let fly. He knew on contact that he’d broken the larger one’s nose and took the opportunity to barrel past the other and out the door.

 

He ran as fast as his legs could carry him into the night and he was halfway home by the time he stopped for air. He’d made it out in one piece, but would she? His mind and body buckled at the thought of it. She’d done her best to make it seem like he had no further interest in her, but would it be enough? Had she taken a beating from him just to receive one even worse? He grabbed a cab and the driver looked him up and down. His shirt was torn and he knew he must have been bleeding.

 

“You need the hospital, mate?”

 

“No,” he said. “I just need to go home.”

 

He gave the driver his address and pulled out his mobile.

 

_Made it out. Banged up but OK. Text when you can. I need to know you are too._

 

He made it home and sat on the couch with a stiff drink in one hand and his mobile in the other, waiting for a text from her. He turned the sound back on and added vibrate to be sure he didn’t miss it. His mind was racing but his body was exhausted and he nodded off against his will. He slept, his phone beside him, but sprung up immediately as his text alert sounded.

 

_OK for now. I have a plan._

 

He was relieved but his fear held strong. Tomorrow he would come up with something. Tomorrow he would right all the wrongs he’d just visited on her. Tomorrow he would fix things. He fell deep into REM sleep, but he got no rest. He was trapped in a nightmare almost as horrible as his reality. He woke with a start an hour later. He was drenched in sweat and haunted by his dream, though its content left him as soon as his eyes shot open. He looked at his phone – nothing – and wondered whether that was good news or bad.


	10. Chapter 10

As soon as Tom closed the door behind him Lily grabbed her mobile and deleted their conversation. She grabbed for her purse. It was ancient and the lining had been ripped for as long as she could remember. She used to curse it – her keys always managed to find their way in between the torn fabric and the bag’s exterior and on the many nights she would return home to the Marlowes’ flat in a drug-induced haze, she’d spent what seemed like hours trying to dig them out. But now it would serve a purpose, and she quickly slipped the phone inside the secret compartment the ripped lining provided. That was the best she could do in this small room. Anyplace else was bound to be ransacked. She always had her purse on her, and even if someone did go through it, they would have to know what they were looking for to find the phone. She didn’t feel safe having it, but she was happy she did.

 

No sooner had she tucked it away than she heard the commotion start downstairs. Some of the girls were screaming, glasses were smashing, and she heard Richard’s voice booming death threats at Tom. She wanted desperately to run down to him but she couldn’t. She had a part to play. She had given him warning and she had to trust he would make it out on his own. He was strong and quick, and she knew firsthand the violence he was capable of when he was angry. He would be fine. She had to believe that he would be fine.

 

She grabbed half a pill from her stash and popped it, swallowing it dry, and tucked the rest away in her purse lining. Her face was throbbing and she was starting to feel like she may actually have torn something in her shoulder. It felt strange to take the pill for its intended purpose – to use it as medicine and not as a drug. She didn’t feel good about it exactly, but the guilt and shame that usually followed her fix was conspicuously absent. And that was a good thing, because she needed to focus. She curled herself into a ball and waited patiently for the inevitable knock on the door.

 

Three raps on the door. She didn’t answer except to start groaning low. Donnie entered. She didn’t look up.

 

“Lil, there’s a problem down-”

 

She looked up at him, clutching her stomach and feigning pure agony. The look in his eyes told her what her face must look like.

 

“Christ he really did a number on you.”

 

She purposefully slurred her words.

 

“Concussion. Hospital.”

 

Donnie looked at her and she could tell he was buying it. He wasn’t the brightest to begin with, and between what she knew he’d heard through the door, what she must look like, and her current performance, she was certain he’d believe her. Richard was a whole different story, but she had a plan for him too.

 

“I don’t know Lil. Richard just got his arse handed to him by that guy. You’re not the only one he beat the living shit out of tonight.”

 

“Donnie. Help. Please.”

 

“Fuck,” he said, “hold tight,” and he rushed out the door downstairs.

 

Once he was gone she didn’t have long. There were a few important variables that could ruin her plan, and if the first one came it would come now. She was counting on the fact that everyone would be preoccupied with the commotion downstairs and no one would see her dart to and from her room. She held her breath as she grabbed the glass from the table and opened the door. She found the hallway empty and bolted to the loo, filling the glass to the rim with toilet water and scurrying back to where Donnie had left her. She took it down in three huge gulps and started gagging. She almost didn’t even have to stick her fingers down her throat to make herself throw up.

 

When Donnie returned she was curled up on the floor next to the puddle of vomit, clutching her midsection and moaning.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Richard screamed. He was holding an icepack to his jaw and Lily smiled inside thinking of Tom landing that blow. But she kept cover. The slurred words came pouring out again.

 

“Richard. Hospital. Please.”

 

“Stupid cunt, I should let you die on the floor in your own filth.”

 

Donnie interjected. “I think this is bad, man. All that mess she just made – I think you can die if you fall asleep with your head all fucked up like that.”

 

Wrong, but neither of them knew that. Lily waited, never breaking. She looked at Richard and he looked at her. She pleaded with him through her eyes, her face, her body – every molecule in her was screaming at him. He pored over her with murderous eyes, trying to latch onto something, anything, that would prove she was lying. Their staring contest lasted a good minute; she emerged victorious.

 

“Fine. You take her, Donnie.”

 

“I dunno, mate. A man shows up with a woman lookin’ the way she does, they start askin’ questions.”

 

“She’s not going alone. I don’t trust her, even like that.”

 

“What about Trix? Or one of the others?”

 

Here was the tricky part, another variable in this deadly equation. Everything was riding on Richard’s greed. He stood, contemplating the situation, before he let it shine through.

 

“I’m not losing anymore money tonight. I need them here. FUCK!” he screamed so loud her teeth rattled. “Donnie, clean her up and take her out the back. Put her in a cab and tell the driver you found her like that and she’s refusing to go to the hospital. Tell him to take her there, no matter what she says. Got it?”

 

“Sure thing, boss.”

 

Richard stared down at her. “I swear to Christ, Lil, if this is one of your games, I’m gonna slit your fucking throat and toss you in the river. Stick to the story. One word about where you been tonight and you’re dead, and there’s no one left to miss you.”

 

He walked over and knelt down next to her, smiling. Before she knew it he had grabbed her by the hair and backhanded her across her swollen cheek. She screamed in agony, and this time it was real.

 

“One more won’t kill ya’” he said, and laughed. “Donnie, take care of it.”

 

Donnie nodded and Richard left, slamming the door behind him. Ever the pervert, Lily knew Donnie would want to undress her.

 

“Why don’t we get you out of that dress and into something more comfortable?”

 

His false concern was as obvious as the bulge in his pants once he’d gotten her dress down past her breasts. She lay back, acting half unconscious while Donnie not so subtly groped her while pulling her dress off. He left her naked on the bed while he reached for the pile of clothes she’d been wearing earlier.

 

“Can you get these on yourself?”

 

He liked to undress women, but dressing them probably seemed unnatural to him. She nodded and slowly, deliberately fumbled with each article of clothing until she was properly dressed. She stood up, making sure to wobble a bit on her legs, and grabbed her purse off the table.

 

“Come on,” Donnie said. “We gotta slip out the back before someone sees you.”

 

The back door was only used for deliveries. It was always locked and only Richard and Donnie had the keys. Richard liked to keep tabs on all his girls and he wanted their one way in and out to be through the front door, where he had his security camera to watch over them when he couldn’t. Lily let herself fall like dead weight in Donnie’s arms as he half dragged her out the back door and into the alley. When they reached the street people started to stare. He started to look frantically around for a cab, pretending he’d just found her. He was a terrible actor, and she could tell people were contemplating calling the police, so it was lucky for both of them that a vacant cab pulled up when it did.

 

Donnie plopped her in the back seat and spun his tale to the driver, giving him the fare that would cover the distance to the hospital. The driver was an older, heavyset man with kind eyes. Put a white beard on him, he could have been Santa Claus. He would do just fine. He sped off in the direction of the hospital, and once Lily knew they were out of view, she popped up off the seat and shed the façade.

 

“Sir, please. Listen to me. I can’t go to the hospital. You have to take me to my brother’s flat. He’s a policeman.”

 

“You sure look like you need to go to the hospital. And that man said…”

 

“I don’t even know that man. He just found me and he wouldn’t listen to me when I told him I couldn’t go. I’m sure he was just trying to do the right thing but please, sir, the man who did this to me is a doctor there, and he’s very well connected. I need to go to the police first. I need you to take me to my brother. I’m begging you.”

 

The man looked at her in the rearview. His eyes looked tired but kind.

 

“Whatever you say, Miss,” he said. “But please promise me you will go to the hospital.”

 

“I promise,” she lied.

 

She checked her phone for the first time since her escape and saw Tom’s text. She was relieved that he was OK, but she wondered exactly how injured he got in the brawl. She texted him back, said she was fine and had a plan. Things were moving quickly now and she needed to focus, but she knew he’d be worrying. She had the driver drop her at a spot much closer than the hospital and told him to keep the change but he wouldn’t take it. He really was a kind man, and his kindness made her feel even worse about what she was about to do. It was a necessary evil – worse even than what she had made Tom do – but the plan wouldn’t work without it. She told herself that maybe, ultimately, she’d be helping Cass, but she knew that was just another lie.

 

She found Cass in her usual spot at the pub, slumped over a table and looking strung out as always. The bartender gave her a look when she walked in and she remembered how her face looked. She had to make this quick.

 

“Cass, get up.”

 

She didn’t stir, so Lily pulled out a wad of cash and two pills and flashed it to her under the table. That perked her right up. Lily was a junkie and made no claims to the contrary, but Cass had always been on a whole other level. By all accounts she should have been dead ten times over by now. But there she sat. Lily knew she could handle it. At least, she hoped she could.

 

“Hey, Lil,” she said, looking through her. “It’s been a while.”

 

“I know, I’m sorry but I don’t have time to play catch up. I need to cash in that favor you owe me.”

 

A few years back Lily had taken a beating for her. Cass got caught stealing from her dealer for the second time in as many weeks and Lily took the fall. They had been friends back then – granted, the kind of friends who only got together to buy drugs and think of new and exciting ways to do them – but still. She had felt the need to protect her. To this day she didn’t know why she took the blame, but it was about to come in handy.

 

“Whadya need, love?”

 

“I need you to go to the hospital and use my name.”

 

She laughed but it sounded more like a death rattle.

 

“But there’s nothing wrong with me.”

 

A more false statement had never been uttered, but Lily ignored it.

 

“You’ve gotta take these,” she said, handing her the pills.

 

Her eyes lit up when she saw them and Lily knew she had her on the hook. In her mind, she was probably already cooking them on the spoon in her purse.

 

“Seems like a real waste. They’ll just pump my stomach.”

 

“That’s what the money’s for. This much will buy you five times that when you get out. Cass, please, I’m begging you. I’m in real trouble here. I just need you to go and make sure they keep you until tomorrow.”

 

Cass seemed to look at her as if seeing her for the first time.

 

“Jesus what happened to your face? Are you sure you shouldn’t be the one going to the hospital?”

 

“Cass, I don’t have time to explain. Will you help me or not?”

 

She sighed, but her addiction answered for her.

 

“Alright. But we’re even now, right?”

 

“Yes, we’re more than even. Thank you. Just ditch your wallet in the bathroom. You practically live here. They’ll hold it for you. You can’t have any sort of ID on you or they’ll figure it out pretty quickly and I need you to buy me some time.”

 

Cass started laughing uncontrollably all of a sudden.

 

“What’s so funny? This is serious, Cass. I need you to listen.”

 

“I’m listening,” she said, catching her breath. “I just realized I don’t even know your full name. You’ve taken a beating for me, I’m about to all but OD for you, and I don’t know your fucking name!”

 

She cackled maniacally and Lily just sighed. She grabbed a pen from the bartender and wrote her name on a cocktail napkin.

 

“Liliana Rose Barnes. That’s pretty. I like that.”

 

“Well then memorize it and don’t fuck this up. I have to go. Promise me you’ll do this, Cass.”

 

“I promise. Now hurry off to whatever madness you’re up to and let me get to it.” She rolled one pill between her fingers, eyeing the imprints. “This is real deal shit. Where’d you get this?”

 

“Believe me, you don’t want to know. Be careful. You know how this works.”

 

“That I do, love. That I do.”

 

Lily left the pub and set out for Tom’s on foot. The pain set in hard as the drugs wore off and she had no money left for a cab. It took her over an hour to get there and the whole way she couldn’t help but think about Cass – whether she would keep her promise or just scurry off into the bathroom to fix and return to her usual spot. She wouldn’t blame her for it. Cass owed her a favor, sure, but Lily had done enough in just one night to deserve a betrayal, not to mention all the things she’d done leading up to it. She had to hold out hope this would work, though. It was just a band-aid on a deep cut, but it would buy her some time. She had to see Tom, to apologize for the awful things she put him through. To make sure he was OK. It seemed like an eternity had passed since she’d seen him, but it had only been a few short hours. She rang the bell and waited, looking over her shoulders to make sure she was alone. She didn’t realize she’d been holding her breath until he opened the door.

 

*****

 

Tom couldn’t go back to sleep after his nightmare, hard as he tried. He put on music to try and calm his nerves but he couldn’t get the image of Lily’s battered face out of his head. He was disgusted with himself, and afraid. He never thought he’d be capable of something like that. He knew some men got off on it, and some women even liked it, but that was different than what had just transpired between them. She’d begged and pleaded with him to hurt her. She’d used his darkest secret to turn him into a monster. And yet he loved her. He knew that now. But why? She always called herself a monster – maybe she really was one.

 

He pushed that thought aside. He had seen her for who she was. She was beautiful and clever and charming and witty. She was troubled and flawed and sad and terrified. She was so many things – a complex, extraordinary creature – and despite all her wrongs, he felt in his heart truly that she was good. There was a light in her. It was dim and flickering but it was there. He’d seen it.  She had to have had some reason to make him do those terrible things. But whatever the reason, he hated himself for doing them. He should have been stronger. He should have gotten her out of there long before it came to that.

 

The doorbell rang and he jumped halfway across the room. As usual, his mind jumped to the darkest possibility. Richard had beaten his identity out of Lily, tortured her into giving up his address. She was strong and stubborn and resisted until he broke her. It had taken a while, but he got it out of her, and now he was here with his goons, ready to finish what they started, and she was badly injured, or worse… He grabbed the wrought-iron poker from the hearth and crept down the stairs to the door. When he looked through the peephole, the poker dropped to the floor with a reverberant clang.

 

As soon as he opened the door she collapsed into his arms. She was shaking and could barely stand. He swept her up and carried her upstairs, and when he set her down on the couch and got a look at her face, he broke down in a sobbing heap at her feet.

 

“I’m so sorry, Lily.”

 

“Don’t be,” she said. He could tell she was hurting but her demeanor was calm. “I made you do this. You had to. It was the only way.”

 

He fixed her a cup of tea and brought her ice for her face and she told him the whole story. Every piece fit together and, despite being horrified at the part he had played, he was impressed. He considered himself a man of superior intellect, but he could never have come up with something so intricate, and so quickly. He realized then the world of difference that existed between book smart and street smart, and he contemplated the scope of what she must have had to do over the course of her life just to survive. He found himself in awe of her – her resourcefulness, her resilience, the sheer strength of her will and resolve. He was filled with respect, admiration, and a near-painful love for her.

 

He loved her, utterly and completely. It didn’t matter to him that they’d only just met. He didn’t care about the terrible things she’d done in her life. He saw only her tragic beauty and the evils that rose from necessity. He didn’t love what she was, but he loved who she was. The feelings came on him so strong he was struck dumb, and when she finished her explanation, he was silent.

 

“You must hate me for what I did to you.” He saw the tears pooling in the corner of her eyes but he still couldn’t find the right words. “Say something, Tom. Please.”

 

He reached over and gingerly pushed the hand holding the ice away from her face. He stopped trying to find some elaborate way to express to her how he felt. There was only one thing to say. He leaned in and peppered her cheek with delicate kisses. He whispered softly into her ear.

 

“I love you.”

 

He felt a hot tear slide down her face.

 

“How could you possibly?”

 

“How could I not?”

 

On the surface of things they were different in so many ways, but on the basest level they were the same. They were burdened with a dark sadness and a sense of self-loathing that no one understood. The world saw them a certain way – one-dimensional, defined not by who they were but by what they were: she a prostitute and a junkie, he an actor and a gentleman. But each was so much more than that, and only they saw each other’s raw truths beneath the layers they had built up and hid behind. How could he feel anything but love for this woman who saw the darkness inside him and loved him all the more for it? They were both deeply flawed and damaged, but they brought something out of each other that had long since been absent in their lives.

 

He was overcome with the urge to make love to her, to show her with his body what his words could barely convey. He wanted to erase all the ugliness that had come before and replace it with something beautiful. But she was hurt, badly, and he couldn’t bear to bring her another second of pain. He looked deep into her eyes, and she in his, and he knew she could read him. She brought her lips crashing into his and kissed him deeply, and when she pulled away she spoke softly in his ear.

 

“I love you. Let me show you how much I love you.”

 

His desire was strong but he hesitated.

 

“You’re hurt, Lily.”

 

“I know, and only you can make the pain go away. Please, Tom. Make love to me.”

 

They both wanted it, needed it to block out all the physical and emotional pain they had suffered, and he wanted nothing more than to bring her the pleasure she sought. He knelt before her and kissed her softly, cradling the side of her face unblemished by the night’s horrors, and she wrapped her legs tightly around him, pulling him closer. He reached down and dug his hands under her backside, lifting her off the couch and carrying her to the bed. She stood at the edge, running her hands up under his shirt and pushing the fabric up, kissing a trail up his stomach to his chest. He rid himself of the shirt and moaned as she traced his nipple with her tongue.

 

He was delicate as he removed her clothes, moving especially slow as he brought her shirt up past her face. She unhooked her bra and let it drop to the floor, and his breath caught at the sight of her nakedness, as it always did. Even battered and bruised, she was beautiful, and when she took her hair down her long, dark locks cascaded over her face, all but concealing the evidence of his transgression. He cupped her breasts in his hands, running his thumbs in small circles around her nipples as she slowly rid him of the rest of his clothes, and when he stood naked before her she looked him up and down, drinking in the sight of him.

 

He brought one hand down to her lower back and gently laid her down on the bed beneath him, running his other hand slowly up her side, memorizing every dip and curve as he kissed her with a tenderness he hadn’t known possible. The sounds she was making urged him to continue, and he began to kiss down her body, starting at the pulse point on her neck that made her moan. It was such a lovely sound, and hearing it made him ache and throb for her, desperate to bring her pleasure – to make that sound the only one he could hear. She buried her hands in his hair as he ran his tongue over the spot briefly before dotting every inch of her neck with kisses. When he reached her chest he closed down on one taut nipple, suckling her gently as he felt the weight of her other breast swell in his hand. That sound again, louder this time. It was heaven to him. He rolled her bud gently between his lips before lavishing the same attention on her other side.

 

She held him tightly to her, writhing underneath him as he began his descent. He locked eyes with her as he ran his tongue down her stomach, which heaved beneath him with each deep breath she took. He stopped an inch or two above her center and moved his mouth to her hips, moving from one to the other, kissing the spot where her bones jutted slightly outward. She gasped as he raised her leg and moved his mouth to the fleshy part of her thigh, planting warm kisses over every inch of her flesh. He moved to the other leg and did the same. He could smell her arousal but he waited to kiss her there. He wanted to feel every inch of her, worship every part.

 

When he finally put his mouth on her she cried out low and desperate, clutching her breasts in her hands as he ran his tongue slowly up and down her entrance. He lapped at her slowly and deliberately, wanting to savor the taste of her. He opened her up with a swirl of his tongue and she spread her legs wide to receive him before he moved up to the place that throbbed for his attention. When he finally got there, he kissed it softly, kneading it with his lips as his tongue applied gentle pressure. She cried out and raised her hips up to meet his mouth as she buried her hands in his hair, holding him tightly in the place she needed him to be. His name came low and breathy from her lips as he slid his long fingers up and down her folds, soaking them in her juices before slowly inching his forefinger inside of her and moving with a delicate urgency.

 

He didn’t want to push her but she tugged at his hair gently and begged for another. He slid a second finger inside and curled them upward, finding the rough patch of flesh that made her tremble and sigh as he moved his fingertips against it. He felt her start to tighten as he increased the pressure of his movements and she came in gentle waves around him, massaging his scalp with her fingers as she moaned and whimpered her release. Her sounds and her touch set his body tingling and he throbbed with want for her. When she came down from her climax she called to him with a breathless whisper.

 

“Make love to me, Tom.”

 

*****

 

Lily was awash in pleasure and her body was screaming for more of him. All the agony she’d felt was gone; she felt only his skin, his mouth, his fingers – all combining to set her body free from all pain. His touch was like a drug to her, better even, since it came with no guilt or shame, only love. She needed to feel all of him inside her, to join with him in a way they hadn’t yet been able to. She could sense he wanted the same, could feel his desire throbbing against her as he came up between her legs and brought his mouth up to kiss her – so sweet, but passionate. Her heart and body swelled in tandem and she pulled his face from hers.

 

“I love you. I need you.”

 

He sighed with pleasure at her words and pushed off her gently to retrieve a condom. When he was ready and positioned at her entrance he rubbed his tip gently over her sensitive flesh as he watched her react to him.

 

“You are so beautiful.”

 

He bent over and entered her slowly, and she delighted in every inch of him as he filled her. He moaned long and deep as he slid his full length in and out of her. He was moving torturously slow and she felt every movement magnified as all the blood in her body rushed to her core. She wrapped her legs around him and pulled him gently into her, moving her hips in circles under him when he was buried to the hilt inside of her. He was hitting her spot just right and the friction of skin on skin as he grinded down onto her was like nothing she’d ever felt. He brought his face down next to hers and whispered low and sultry in her ear.

 

“Can you feel how much I love you?”

 

His words set her on fire and she moaned, clutching him tight to her chest as she let him pull back and thrust into her. She met his every movement and he kissed her deeply, their bodies as one as he moved her closer to the edge. He went to cup her face, lost in her, and she winced at the contact. He froze.

 

“Oh God, I’m so sorry.”

 

She just smiled. “I’m fine. But I think it’s time for me to make love to you.”

 

She urged him onto his back and climbed on top of him, lowering herself slowly down his length. He threw his head back hard into the pillow and gently gripped her hips as she moved against him. She kept him full inside her as she rocked back and forth, savoring the friction the new position was providing her. She threw her head back and braced herself on his thighs as she started to quicken her movements, moving him in and out of her just slightly now and feeling his hardness bend and strain against her as she arched her back. He brought his long arms up to meet her breasts and kneaded her gently as she rode him, and when she felt his hands on her she popped her head back up and locked eyes with him.

 

They stared into each other as she worked her way to climax on top of him, and when she came again she threw her body back as he held her hips, thrusting up into her as her walls clenched tight around him. They both cried out and the sounds of their pleasure melded together like a symphony in the room. She knew he was close and all she wanted was to make him feel as good as she did. She collapsed on top of him, her breasts heaving against his slick chest as she grabbed at his hair and kissed him deeply, their tongues dancing together as she started to bounce on top of him. He pulled away and moaned his delight.

 

“I’m so close. Sit up. Let me look at you.”

 

She did as he asked, her breasts swinging slightly as she moved in quick circles around him. He gripped her hips and started to buck up into her, staring deep into her eyes as he came hard inside her. With every spurt he called her name softly, and when he was through he pulled her down to him and kissed her like she’d never been kissed before. It was raw, it was sweet, it was hungry, it was loving. It was everything, and she never wanted it to end.


	11. Chapter 11

Tom woke from a deep sleep – a restful sleep, something he hadn’t experienced in quite some time. He turned over and Lily was sleeping soundly next to him, the sheets pulled down just enough for him to admire the graceful curve of her back. He propped himself up on one elbow, watching the gentle rise and fall of her body with each breath, desperate to touch her, but he held firm in his resolve not to wake her. If anyone needed a good night’s rest, she did. When she finally broke from her slumber and turned her head to face him, she looked peaceful but her bruising looked even worse than it had the night before. She must have seen him wince at the sight of her because she turned her head away, pushing her backside into him, her warm body snuggled close to his own.

 

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

 

He knew she was talking about the injury, but couldn’t help but consider the broader relevance of that statement. He ran his hand across the curve of her hip before draping a long arm around her waist and pulling her in closer. He spoke softly into her ear.

 

“Does it hurt, darling?”

 

She was hesitant to answer but ultimately she nodded.

 

“What can I do?” He paused. “Do you need…”

 

He didn’t want to encourage her to do it, but he knew she was in pain and he figured her body was probably screaming for it by now. Plus, from what little he knew of addiction, it could be fatal to stop completely. He wanted to take her somewhere far outside the city, somewhere safe where she could get the help she needed, but he didn’t want to broach the subject. He feared her reaction, but more than that he felt presumptuous in thinking that he was the one who could break her vicious cycle. And then there was the nagging suspicion that she didn’t want to stop. He could hardly blame her for it, and he was in no position to cast judgment. He had his own demons and dark ways of coping with his inner turmoil. He turned to faceless, nameless sex when his rage got the better of him. He was no better, really. Maybe he was worse.

 

She gazed back at him. There was sadness and shame in her eyes again. He cursed himself for bringing it up.

 

“I really don’t want to, but I...”

 

She turned away and he spoke quickly to ease her guilt.

 

“I understand why you have to, Lily. I don’t think any less of you. Please never think that.”

 

He didn’t have to see her face to know she was crying. It was almost as if he was inside her head, as if the tears were his own.

 

“I just feel so helpless, Tom. I hate that I have to do this in front of you. I hate that I have to do it at all. I can’t live like this anymore.”

 

He turned her around to face him and saw the anguish racking her body. He held her close to him and felt her tears hot and wet on his bare chest. He kissed the top of her head and spoke softly.

 

“Let me help you. Please.”

 

“You can’t fix me, Tom. No one can.”

 

“I don’t want to fix you. I want to help you. I love you, Lily. I want to give you a better life than this. You deserve so much more.”

 

She looked up at him, teary-eyed. “No, I don’t. I’ve done terrible things, Tom. You know that. I’m in too deep and there’s no way out. I bought myself a little time, but you and I both know I have to go back. If I don’t, he’ll find me. And I can’t be there without…”

 

She trailed off but he knew. He held her tight, limbs entwined, and racked his brain for a solution that refused to come. She pulled away suddenly, torment replaced with terror.

 

“I have to call the hospital. If something’s gone wrong, he’s probably already looking for me.”

 

Tom had forgotten about that and his own fear lodged in the pit of his stomach. She scrambled out of bed to make the call and he felt it – somehow, instinctively, he felt it. He knew things were about to get worse, and that they might not get better.

 

*****

 

“I’m sorry, Miss, but no one by that name was admitted last night.”

 

Lily felt faint and fell backward onto the couch. The bile was rising in her throat but she swallowed it down.

 

“Can you check again, please?” Her voice was desperate and pleading but the woman on the other end of the line was getting irritated. She heard the sound of fingers clacking against a keyboard and a sigh on the other end of the line.

 

“I’ve checked three times now, Miss. She’s not here. Have you tried the other hospitals?”

 

Lily rang off without responding. She knew it was pointless to call around. She’d told Cass where to go. Her sickness overtook her and she almost didn’t make it to the bathroom. She was heaving and crying and drenched in sweat when Tom found her. He looked at her and his eyes told her he knew without asking. She was glad for that much. She didn’t think she could say it out loud. He sat on the bathroom floor next to her, clutching his head in his hands as he spoke down at the tile.

 

“What do we do now?”

 

The words burned her more than her sick had coming out.

 

“I have to go back. Right now.”

 

His head shot up and he grabbed her arm.

 

“No. Please. You can’t.”

 

“I have to, Tom.”

 

He rose to his feet abruptly and punched the bathroom door.

 

“FUCK!”

 

She knew he’d hurt his hand but couldn’t feel the pain through his rage. He was frantic and pacing and she could feel the fury rising in him.

 

“Tom…”

 

“No. This isn’t happening. You’re not going back there. Ever. I’ll figure something out.”

 

“Please calm down. You’re not thinking clearly. There’s no other way. I’ll come up with something.”

 

She tried to soothe him with her tone but he was having none of it.

 

“He said he would kill you, Lily. Do you really think he’s bluffing?”

 

She honestly didn’t know but she had to appease Tom. She feared he would do something drastic if she didn’t.

 

“Yes, I do. Richard is a lot of things, but he’s not a killer.”

 

She knew for a fact that wasn’t true, but she said it anyway. She had to.

 

“The man tried to bash my skull in with a bat last night, Lily. I can’t let you go back there. I won’t. You’re not leaving this flat until I figure out what to do.”

 

She knew he was afraid, just trying to do whatever he could to protect her, and as much as she loved him for it, she was growing aggravated. She already had one man in her life who thought he owned her; she didn’t need another. She was already irritable and agitated and she snapped.

 

“What are you going to do, Tom? Lock me away in the bedroom? Or do you think you can just throw your money at the problem and buy me off of him like chattel? Just forget about me and find yourself some nice, posh girl you can take home to your mum. I’m leaving.”

 

She rose to exit but he grabbed her. He looked down at her and she knew her words had stung him but he held strong.

 

“You can try to push me away but it won’t work. I don’t want to own you, Lily. I want you to be free of all of this. I want you to be able to make your own choices. And, yes – I want you to stay with me, but not because you have to. I want you to stay because you want to.”

 

She was crying now and she let him envelop her in his arms.

 

“I do want to,” she whispered. “You know that. I love you.”

 

“And I love you, and I’m going to get you out of this.” He rubbed her shoulders and held her to his chest. She could feel his heart beating wild but he kept his composure. “Why don’t you go have a shower and I’ll pop out and grab us something to eat, OK? If we put our heads together, we can come up with something. I know we can.”

 

She nodded as she contemplated running out on him while he was gone. It should have been easier that way – a clean break. She would go back to whatever horrors were waiting for her; he would finally give up on his impossible dream of her and move on. Except he wouldn’t. She knew he’d come after her, and the next time he might not get out. In her mind, she was already dead. She couldn’t bear the thought of him joining her.

 

In the shower she resigned herself to what she had to do. It was a foregone conclusion, had been since the moment their lips touched. It was helpful that Tom hadn’t emptied his wastebin. Her stash was still tucked safely away, and even after the half pill she took, it would be more than enough. She felt the calm take her, and by the time Tom returned, she was almost jovial.

 

A smile played at the corner of his lips as she walked towards him, still wet from her shower and wearing only a towel. She saw that look flash in his eyes, though he tried to hide it. She knew he wanted her, and she wanted him. Knowing it might very well be the last time, she needed him to make her feel something beautiful before the darkness descended – to give her something to cling to, a reminder of why she was willing to take the ultimate gamble.

 

She kissed him hungrily and he met her lips with passion. She whimpered into the kiss, the rush to her head better than any drug. It washed away the pain, steeled her resolve, filled her with the strength she would need in the hours to come.

 

*****

 

Tom had hoped to conceal the urges that overcame him when he returned home to find her barely dressed, but as always, one look at her and his body betrayed him. He knew there were more pressing matters at hand, that they needed to sit down and work out their next move, but when she strode toward him and placed her lovely lips to his, everything else faded away. She kissed him with an urgency that spoke of her own need, and he melted into her. He needed to be with her again, to keep her there with him as long as he could.

 

With one swift motion, he rid her of the towel and she jumped into his arms, her body wrapped tightly around him as he carried her to the bed. Laying her gently down he made short work of his own clothes and got into bed next to her, pulling the duvet up and over them to lock in the warmth of their bodies sliding against each other. He kissed her deeply before turning her body to the side, facing away from him as he held her tight and nipped at her earlobe. Her breath hitched when his teeth made contact and she brought her arm up and ran her fingers through his hair. His whole body tingled at her touch, and the sounds coming out of her drove him mad with need.

 

Just the slightest movement of her hips and the feel of her bare bottom sliding against him sent his arousal surging through him. She pulled his mouth to hers, sliding her lips against his before opening up to him. He lost himself completely in her kiss and started rocking his hips slowly against her as she pushed back into him. When he brought his hand up to cup her breast, she purred at his touch and he felt her nipple hard against his palm. She pulled out of the kiss, breathless, and looked lovingly up at him. The battered side of her face was mostly obscured by the angle. He could almost forget.

 

He slid his hand down the silky skin of her stomach and she shuddered when his fingers found her nub. He moved in slow, soft circles around it as he brought his lips to the spot on her neck that drove her wild. She moaned his name, her voice like beautiful music, and brought her leg up around his, holding him tightly to her as she opened herself up to him. He could feel himself throbbing hard against the small of her back, aching for her as he ran his fingers across her entrance. A few gentle strokes inside her and he was drenched in her need.

 

He shifted himself down a bit and took himself in his hand, positioning himself just right to slide his length up and down her folds. She reached down and placed her hand on him, pressing his cock against her as he rocked back and forth and meeting his movements with her own. Each time his tip grazed her nub she would hold it there as she moved against him, his name dripping from her lips like honey.

 

“Tom. Oh, Tom. I need you, Tom. Tom, please.”

 

He longed to feel her insides bare against him, but he reached back for a condom from the drawer. Maybe someday, but not today. She mourned the absence of his touch but he quickly returned to her, gripping himself hard at the base as she guided him inside of her. He moved slowly, intimately, until he was buried deep as he could go. She moaned long and loud as he started to move, inching himself in and out, wanting to last as long as he could. He draped one arm above her head for balance and brought the other around to her breast, clasping and kneading at her with each gentle thrust. She opened herself even wider to him, letting him go deeper, and he groaned into her ear as he quickened his pace ever so slightly.

 

He almost lost it when she brought her hand down and started to touch herself. He stared over her shoulder down the length of her body, unable to take his eyes away from her movements and feeling her start to tighten around him. She threw her head back onto his shoulder as she started to come unhinged, and when he placed his hand over hers and mimicked her movements she cried out and started to writhe under his touch. When he felt her clenching down on him he thrust hard and deep inside of her. He purred in her ear as her eyes rolled back in her head.

 

“Come for me, darling.”

 

*****

 

Lily had never done it this way. It should have been less intimate, facing away from him, but it wasn’t. She had never felt closer to someone, more attuned to their movements. And Tom knew how to touch her just right – knew how to move inside her and just where to kiss her to make her come completely undone beside him. She was on the brink already when his lips brushed her ear and his voice – at once smooth and gravelly – begged her to come for him. Her climax came in slow waves, starting at her toes and travelling through her entire body. He left himself buried deep inside her as she rode out her orgasm, shuddering and whimpering as he held her tight against him.

 

When he could tell she was done he started moving faster, grabbing her thigh and holding her leg up to access the deepest part of her. He was panting and grunting in her ear and the sounds coming out of him almost did her in again. She couldn’t help but cry out to him as he brought himself closer.

 

“Tom, you feel so good. Don’t stop.”

 

With her words he pulled her leg around and shifted her body atop his so she was straddling him backwards. He was hitting her sweet spot with every thrust and she arched her back toward him as his hands moved her hips back and forth across his length.

 

“Oh, Lily. I’m so close. Come with me.”

 

He brought one hand from her hip and moved it in hard circles against her already sensitive flesh as he thrust underneath her. His touch inside and outside and the sound of his pleasure ringing through the room was enough. She threw her head back and braced herself on his chest as she let herself go. She came harder this time, her walls clenching impossibly tight against him as he cried out and came roaring inside her. When he had spilled every last drop, he pulled her down to him and she could feel his heart beating rapidly against her back. She turned her head to face him and he placed a gentle kiss on her lips.

 

“I love you, Lily,” he said. “Never leave me.”

 

She smiled, holding back the tears.

 

“I love you, too.” She kissed him softly and whispered. “And I promise, I will never leave you.”

 

It wasn’t a lie. She knew what she had to do – that she would have to return to that dark place and face whatever was waiting for her. But no matter what happened, no matter the outcome of this dangerous game, in her heart she would always be with him. Until her blood stopped pumping and she loosed her dying breath, she would never let him go.


	12. Chapter 12

Tom sat across from Lily at the kitchen table, holding her hand, trying desperately to come up with something, anything, that would keep her safe. But as always, she was three steps ahead of him. Every suggestion, every idea that popped into his head, was something she’d already thought through and rejected.

 

“Please tell me again why we can’t just tip off the police?”

 

“Tom, I told you already. He’s got people on the take all over the city – police, prosecutors, judges. How do you think he’s been able to operate this long without getting shut down?”

 

Tom was growing frustrated, but he was trying his hardest not to let it cloud his judgment. It was a power she’d given him without even trying, and he was grateful for it, but self-control was something new to him and the current situation was testing his limits.

 

“And why can’t we just get in the car and drive somewhere – somewhere far away – and set you up in a place where you can get yourself straightened out?” He paused and looked at her. “That is what you want, right?”

 

“Of course it’s what I want. I told you I can’t live like this anymore and I meant it. But he’ll go to the ends of the earth to find me, Tom. Richard doesn’t like to lose. And if by some miracle he can’t find me, he’ll come after you, and I…”

 

The tears pooled in her eyes and he squeezed her hand tight.

 

“Don’t worry about me. I’m not afraid of him.”

 

He said it knowing it was a blatant lie. Tom was trying to stay strong, but he was terrified. Richard was a dangerous man – far more dangerous than Lily was letting on. He could see the fear in her eyes and he knew she’d been lying when she said he wasn’t a killer. Tom could tell he was the type of man who would stop at nothing to keep what was his – his girls, his money, his pride – and he would have no problem taking out anyone who got in his way.

 

“Well you should be afraid,” she said. “You’re not exactly low-profile.”

 

He knew she was right and that Richard could ruin him a thousand different ways, but he didn’t care. His singular focus was extracting her from that place and getting her the help she needed. His needs were secondary.

 

He sighed. He was out of suggestions and they’d made no progress. The clock was ticking and he knew the longer she stayed with him, the worse off she was going to be.

 

“What are you going to do?” His voice cracked and broke the steely façade he’d been holding up.

 

“I don’t know, Tom. I really don’t know.”

 

*****

 

She hated lying to him but he would never let her leave if he knew. She’d gone through the motions with him, letting him think through all the possible scenarios she had mulled over in her head a million times before, and rejecting them as kindly as she could. But it was time for her to go now, and her heart fractured into a thousand pieces thinking of leaving him. Lily didn’t know what the future would hold for her, but she was almost positive that whatever happened, she wouldn’t see him again.

 

But the worst part of it all was that she knew it was for the best. He was so full of promise, had such a bright future ahead of him, and she’d brought nothing but danger and darkness into his life. She knew he didn’t see it that way, but he was wrong. He wasn’t thinking. He was blinded by his love for her – so new and so strong, as all love is at the start – and he couldn’t see that loving her would destroy him in the end. Of all the things she’d done in her life – all the people she’d hurt and lied to and betrayed – this was the worst. Her love was toxic, and although she knew that, however briefly, they had brought light into each other’s lives, it couldn’t last. There was no happy ending. She was a cancer, and he was best served by cutting her out.

 

“I have to go, Tom.” She tried to hold back the tears but they came pouring down like rain. “I don’t want to, but it’s time.”

 

He held her, rocking her gently as he whispered low in her ear. He was trembling and she could feel his breathing erratic as he choked on his own tears.

 

“I hate this,” he said. “I hate this so much.”

 

“I know you do, but you have to trust me. I’ll figure something out. I always do.”

 

“I do trust you. It’s him I don’t trust.”

 

“I’ll handle him. It won’t be pretty, but I’ll handle him.” She looked up at him and did her best to summon a smile to her lips. “I’ve got to go get dressed.”

 

He said OK but he wouldn’t let go, and, much as it pained her, she was forced to push him away. In the bedroom she dressed quickly, fearing he might join her. She knew she would be powerless to resist any advances he might make. Being with him brought her more joy than anything ever had, and she longed to feel that way again. But she had to go, and there was one last piece of the puzzle she had to put in place. She dug out her letter from her coat pocket and slid it between the mattress and the box spring. He’d never find it there, unless he was directed to it. She felt sick thinking of him reading it, of what that would mean, but she pushed it down and locked it away. Hope was a foolish thing, especially for someone like her, but she had to cling to something. She returned to Tom with the image of the letter burning to ash in her brain.

 

He walked her out. The silence was deafening but there was nothing left to say. Before he placed her in a cab, he held her close and whispered in her ear.

 

“I love you, Lily.”

 

He moved to speak again but she pressed her finger to his lips to silence him and looked deep in his blue eyes. If this was their last moment together, she wanted those words to be his last. She wanted to be able to think back on his beautiful voice saying the only words that mattered – the words that made everything hurt more, the words that made it all worth it.

 

She got in the cab and spoke softly through the open window.

 

“I love you, Tom. Always.”

 

The cab sped away and all she wanted was to break down, to wail and scream and let her emotion overtake her, but she had to keep it together. She had to go on the offensive if she had any chance of making this work. She set her face cold and hard as she made her way to the door, her strides angry and determined. She threw open the door to find Richard polishing glasses behind the bar.

 

“What the fuck, Richard?”

 

She yelled and her rage echoed through the room. It provided little catharsis, but it felt good to let something out. He looked up at her, fire in his eyes.

 

“I could ask you the same question.” He dropped the rag and came at her, hands gripping her shoulders so tight she could feel the capillaries bursting beneath her skin. “Where the fuck have you been, girl? And don’t tell me the hospital because I called around.”

 

“Well I bloody well should have gone to the hospital. Last thing I remember is being sick on the floor upstairs. Then I wake up this morning naked in some crap motel room. So I’ll ask you again, what the FUCK happened last night?”

 

His eyes burned holes into her, and he dropped her shoulders, considering her. He laughed.

 

“You don’t actually expect me to believe that, do you?”

 

“I don’t give a shit what you believe anymore. I could have died, Richard.”

 

He just looked at her and smiled. “You still might.”

 

His demeanor changed as he strode back towards the bar. The calm that overtook him was more frightening to Lily than his usual violent rage. He should have been beating her bloody by now. Something wasn’t right.

 

“I found out something interesting last night, Lil.” A smile played at the corner of his mouth and it was more terrifying than any beating she’d ever taken from him. “Something about that prick you’re so keen on.”

 

She felt it in the pit of her stomach – an empty, dull ache – but she kept playing the game.

 

“HIM? He’s the one that did this to me. I never want to see that sick fuck again for the rest of my life.”

 

Richard’s smile spread wide. “Well that might be difficult since he’s on telly.”

 

His discovery hit her harder than his fists ever had. She was winded but played it off as surprise.

 

“What the fuck are you on about?”

 

“Some bloke last night recognized him during the fight – some detective show or something – snapped a nice clear picture with his mobile. He was kind enough to pass it along to me. Would you like to see it?”

 

She swallowed hard but kept in character. “I just told you I never want to see him again.”

 

“Well once I send this off to the gossip rags with a nice juicy story you’ll be seeing his handsome face everywhere.”

 

She felt like her heart was about to burst from her chest. He was going to ruin Tom. His vendetta was fierce and strong and she knew nothing she could say or do would stop him. She would have preferred the pain of Richard’s knife to the agony of knowing she was responsible for destroying Tom’s life. But she still had a game to play.

 

“I don’t care what you do. He deserves it for what he did to me. I’m going up, I’ve got a splitting headache.”

 

Richard just laughed. “Well don’t get too comfortable. We’re not done yet.”

 

Lily walked sluggish up the stairs, feigning nonchalance and playing up her injury, but when she reached her room she shut the door and dug frantically in her purse for her mobile. Her fingers flew across the touch screen.

 

_R knows who you are has picture from last night cant stop him im so sorry_

 

She hit send and flopped down on the bed, face first, weeping silently into her pillow. Tom would be ruined, and all for the crime of loving her. He was just another one of her victims now, the most recent in a seemingly endless line, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She thought back on her life – all the people she had hurt, whether purposefully or not, and made a silent promise to herself that he would be her last casualty.

 

*****

 

Tom went completely numb when he got the text from Lily. He was so torn between his relief that she was still breathing and the panic setting in at the thought of being exposed that his brain completely turned off.  He paced the room in a daze for a bit before his mind snapped back into action. There was no running from this, no hiding. It was happening and he had to face it. He began to feel a sense of what Lily must feel every day – fear, shame, anxiety, the feeling of being trapped in a situation from which there was no escape. He loved her even more, then. He could barely keep himself upright while she walked through life every day carrying these same burdens, and with so much more than her reputation at stake. He picked up his mobile and texted her back.

 

_Dont care about any of that just glad you are safe_

 

He pressed send and was overwhelmed with guilt. He’d lied to her. He did care. He had worked his whole life to get to where he was now, and all his hopes and dreams for the future were about to be snatched away. He would become a pariah, a punch line, the subject of contemptuous whispers whenever he walked into a room. His true nature would be revealed, the dark figure behind the lighthearted gentleman, and those who had claimed to care for him would not accept him – not like she had. They might forgive him his transgressions, but they would never embrace him for who he was, and they would never, ever forget.

 

He made the call to Luke. He had to if there was any hope of taking the edge off the situation. Luke picked up in a jovial mood, but Tom quickly brought him low. He told him everything, start to finish. There was no point in lying now, and he honestly didn’t want to. If this was going to happen – and it was, she said herself there was no stopping it – he might as well unburden himself.

 

Luke was silent for a long time before he spoke.

 

“Christ, Tom. What the bloody hell were you thinking?”

 

“I love her, Luke. Have you never been in love?”

 

Luke paused before answering. “Of course I have, but it’s not quite the same, now is it?”

 

“It’s exactly the same. The situation is difficult, but the feelings are no different.”

 

Luke sighed. “Well I’m sorry, mate, but you can’t see her again. You’ve got to let this die. I’ll try and get out in front of it but… fuck, I don’t even know what kind of spin I could put on this. Fighting, whoring-”

 

“DO NOT call her a whore, Luke. I’m warning you.”

 

“Tom, come back down to earth, man. You might be in love with her, but facts are facts. You just told me the story. You might not see her that way, but you’re kidding yourself if you think anyone else is going to see past it. This is the kind of story people go crazy for. Christ, people are still talking about that business with Hugh Grant and that was damn near fifteen years ago.”

 

“Yeah well he’s not done too badly for himself.”

 

“I’m glad this is so amusing to you. I really am. And I hate to be the one to break it to you but you are not Hugh fucking Grant. You are just starting out, and this could be it for you. Take it seriously, Tom. This is not a joke.”

 

“Am I laughing?”

 

Luke just sighed. “I’ve got to go now and figure out how to deal with this bullshit. Try to keep your dick in your pants. And DO NOT see that… _woman_ again. If I find out you’re still seeing her, you and I are through. I’m not helping you if you don’t want to be helped, you understand me?”

 

“Understood.”

 

Tom rung off and sat around for a while, staring blankly at the wall. Luke’s harsh words had stung him, but he was tormented by the knowledge that he was right. He felt sick thinking about all the people that were going to be so disappointed in him, especially his family. The idea of his sisters, his father, his mum having to hear over and over again the gory details of his violence and lechery – it made him ill. And he knew even if he could keep Lily in his life, they would never accept her as his love. They would blame her for ruining him, treat her like rubbish and do everything in their power to tear them apart. He couldn’t blame them for it, but he was saddened to think that no one – not even his own flesh and blood – would ever understand or accept his love for her.

 

He started to contemplate what Luke had made him swear to – never seeing her again, sweeping her under the rug as if she meant nothing, treating her like a mistake he would erase if he could. His whole body ached at the thought of it and he remembered her words to him. They rang in his ear as if she were sitting right next to him.

 

_A time will come when you have to make a choice. I’m the wrong choice, Tom._

 

She had warned him, told him flat out to give her up when the time came, but he couldn’t do it. He just couldn’t. No matter what happened, whatever story Richard was planning to tell the world, he could take it. As long as she was safe and secure in his love, he could take anything the world was about to bring him. Because none of the rest of it mattered. Without love in his life, he would never change. He would always carry his darkness with him. He knew Lily thought she brought him nothing but trouble, but in truth she was the best thing for him. She was the only one who could shine a light on his troubles and make him a better man, and he couldn’t let her go.

 

*****

 

Lily had been so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn’t noticed Tom’s text. When she read it, she was almost angry. She’d told him that it would come to this, that he would have to make a choice, and that she was the wrong one. He was being short-sighted, stupid, stubborn, but she knew he was driven by passion and she couldn’t fault him for it. She understood the lengths a person would go to in order to protect those they loved most.

 

She was thinking of a response when she heard the harsh clamor of footsteps coming up the stairs. She scrambled to get the mobile tucked away in it’s hiding spot and had just made it back to her sprawling position on the bed when Richard threw open the door. Donnie was behind him, carrying a length of rope.

 

“Tie her up, Donnie. I don’t want any trouble.”

 

Before Lily could scream Richard was on her, shoving a dirty bar rag in her mouth to muffle her cries. It smelled and tasted awful and she focused on trying to keep her stomach calm while Donnie bound her wrists and ankles together and anchored them to the bed. If she threw up she would choke to death, and she knew they would let her. She stared at Richard, her body racked with terror, as he reached into his pocket. She expected the knife, but what she got was much worse. He held the photograph inches from her face and it swayed slightly with each desperate intake of breath through her nose.

 

“This your mum, Lil? Pretty thing. Too bad she’s dead. She looks like she’d give a good ride.”

 

He smiled down at her as he tore the picture to shreds. She pulled at her restraints and screamed into the cloth but the sound that came out was negligible. Her vision clouded by tears, she didn’t see him pull the knife.

 

“I warned you what would happen if you fucked with me, Lil.” Richard leaned in close to her and the flash of the blade caught her eye. “You did this to yourself.”

 

She shook her head violently back and forth but he grabbed her hard by the chin.

 

“Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.”

 

Richard angled the unmarred side of her face toward him as he lowered the blade down, and when it broke the flesh and tore a harsh line toward her mouth it felt like fire. She stayed frozen in place, pain searing through every part of her as she kept her eyes locked on him, waiting for his next move. She knew he wasn’t done. The bloodlust in his eyes told her all she needed to know. He brought the knife away and wiped the blood off on her shirt, laughing so hard he was wheezing as her body began to tremble. She looked over at Donnie in the corner by the door and he was white as a sheet. He turned away from her when she met his eyes.

 

Richard knelt by the side of the bed, evil eyes flashing and a wicked grin across his face. She could feel his hot, fetid breath on her cheek as he spoke.

 

“Now,” he said, “time for a bit of fun.”


	13. Chapter 13

Lily had near passed out from the pain halfway through Richard’s savage game. By the time he was through, her body could take no more and she felt a disconnect between her physical shell and the mind inside, the kind of uncoupling that usually only came to her with chemical assistance. Her body felt nothing but her mind saw it clearly – blood still streamed thick and heavy from the carvings on her inner arm, but the word was gouged deep and visible.

 

WHORE

 

He’d marked her – slow and precise, taking his time to make sure she felt each bold letter of the word searing into her body and soul. He’d hissed at her the whole way through.

 

“You forgot what you are, girl. This’ll make damn sure you don’t forget again. Never forget. Never.”

 

For those brief moments when Richard hadn’t been holding her head in place, forcing her to watch his every move, she would steal a glance over at Donnie. He remained in the corner, staring at the floor, the ceiling, the wall – anywhere but at her. He looked sick and at one point she thought he might leave. Their eyes met only once throughout, and to Lily’s surprise she saw something unexpected in them – horror, pity, even sadness. Donnie was a world-class pervert, that was undeniable, but he wasn’t a sadist, and Richard’s cruelty was proving to be more than he’d signed up for. But she wasn’t fool enough to think he would help her. He was seeing firsthand the kind of gruesome violence Richard was capable of, and if he didn’t want to get on his bad side before, now he would be even more committed to keeping Richard happy.

 

When he was content with his twisted work of art, Richard barked back at Donnie.

 

“Make yourself useful and go get a couple of rags to mop this mess up. Use the dirty ones. And grab the other stuff while you’re at it.”

 

Donnie couldn’t leave the room fast enough and Richard turned his attentions back to her.

 

“Scream and you’re dead.” He ripped the cloth gag out of her mouth and she choked down as much air as her lungs could hold. He just laughed and looked down at the ruined sheets. “You’re a real bleeder, love. Just like the last one. Gonna have to replace this shit again.”

 

He used the knife to slice through the rope, but even unfettered Lily knew better than to speak. Even if she’d wanted to she had nothing to say. She lay catatonic while Richard continued his verbal assault on her and she didn’t even look up when Donnie returned. She saw him on the periphery, scrubbing the blood that had dripped to the floor, but she didn’t move. She just stared at the ceiling, her mind completely empty. The world outside the room had ceased to exist some time ago. Even Tom was a memory lost to her.

 

She was snapped back to consciousness when she heard the loud thump of the glass bottle hitting the side table. She turned her head and she felt the scab that had started to form on her cheek tear, new blood trickling out over the old. Richard held the neck of a whiskey bottle and threw a bag of pills down next to it on the table.

 

“I’ll be back in an hour to do some more… decorating. I know how much is there, and it’s all or nothing. Choose your own adventure, Lil.”

 

With that he flashed her a cruel smile and exited, leaving Donnie to tend to the mess. When he was finished scrubbing the floor he reached into his pocket and pulled out a rag to stem the tide of blood still gushing from her arm. She looked down and saw he was using a clean one. She looked at him then, and he looked back. She could feel his pity as strongly as the shooting pain when the cloth touched her torn flesh. He winced as she did and applied only the necessary amount of pressure. They exchanged no words. They didn’t have to.

 

He surveyed the offerings on the bedside table and looked back at her, his eyes asking the question. She nodded and he closed his eyes tight before returning his gaze to her. He pleaded with her wordlessly but she stared back at him, empty and resigned. He shook his head and looked at her, burdened with something she couldn’t discern. She didn’t blame him for what happened, what was going to happen. If anything this last kindness was a gift to her, one she never expected to receive from him. She looked at him and mustered a lopsided smile. He just exhaled deeply and raised himself to his feet. When he reached the door he looked back at her. She expected a parting glance but his face was a mystery. She could tell his mind was racing, probably from the horrors he’d just witnessed and the knowledge of what was to come, but she couldn’t help but wonder why he looked at her so strangely. It was of no consequence, though. The game was over, and she had lost.

 

When he shut the door behind him she slowly and painfully reached for her mobile, using one finger from her good arm to type her final directive to Tom.

 

_Look under your mattress im sorry i love you goodbye_

And with that she deleted all traces of him from the phone. She turned it off and placed it on the floor, smashing it in with the butt of the whiskey bottle before chucking it through the bars of the open window. She watched as it sailed down to the asphalt of the alley below, and when it hit the ground it fractured into pieces. He was gone now, existing only in her heart. But that, too, was shattered and would soon cease to function.

 

She sat on the bed and emptied the contents of the bag into her hand. Even to the bitter end, Richard’s avarice was unmistakable: it was just enough – no more, no less. She opened her mouth wide as she could and threw everything to the back of her throat, chugging enough whiskey from the bottle to get it all down. She took another few swigs for good measure and laid her head down on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling, waiting for nothingness.

 

*****

 

He recognized the stationery immediately but the penmanship was foreign. It was decidedly feminine, with an edge and an odd angle. He ghosted his fingertip over the cursive script of the “T” on the envelope, savoring the moment. He didn’t know the contents of her letter, but he knew regardless what it said, his life would be different from the moment he unfolded the paper and began to read.

 

His instincts did not betray him.

 

_Tom,_

_Tonight is the night that you kissed me. It was exhilarating and terrifying and I can’t sleep. I tried to rest peacefully next to you in bed but I was kept awake by one nagging concern. I lied to you tonight – the one night in my life devoted to being honest, and I lied. If you know me like I suspect you might, that shouldn’t come as some great shock to you, but I’m disappointed in myself and I want to set it right. You might never see this, but if you do, it means I gambled, and I lost, and there are so many things I don’t trust myself to say to you._

_You asked me tonight what I meant when I said I’d become a liability, and how I managed to get out the last time. I told you it was a one-time thing, that it couldn’t be replicated, but that was a lie. The real truth is ugly, but if you’re reading this you deserve to know it – because it means it happened again and my luck didn’t hold._

_One thing you should know: Richard likes to keep his girls sedate enough to deal with whatever he sends our way, but he has a line. If you cross it, he views you as a loss._ Nobody wants to fuck a dead fish _, he always says. For the more intrepid souls among us, this offers a small window of opportunity. I could phrase it delicately, try to make it sound poetic, but the facts are these: I took enough pills to kill a person twice my size; I didn’t care if I lived or died, and neither did anyone else. The last thing I remember is Richard standing over me, checking my pulse, saying I wasn’t worth the trouble and telling his toughs to dump my body by the river. I woke up in the hospital days later, and that was that. To this day I don’t know how I got there, but Richard left me alone. Maybe he thought I was dead, maybe he didn’t care either way. But I was out. I was more fucked in the head than ever, but I was out. My fear now is that even this terrible option may no longer be available to me. We challenged him – you and I – and knowing what I know now, I will never regret that as long as I live and breathe. But there’s a price to pay when you go against a man like Richard. If you’re reading this it means I tried to go out that same window, only to find it closed._

_Please don’t blame yourself. All this was set in motion long ago. I’ve only just met you and I can unequivocally say that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’ve brought a light into my life that I thought long distinguished, and I think that maybe I love you. I say maybe because I’ve forgotten what it feels like to love and to be loved, but you stirred something in me (and, dare I say, I in you) and it feels so powerful and lovely and frightening that I don’t know what else it could be but love. I can’t tell you at the moment whether I will ever say out loud that I love you, or whether it will live inside my head with all the other things in my life left unsaid. I hope that I had the courage and the strength, but if I didn’t, know it now._

_I love you._

_You’ve given me more in one night than anyone ever has, and I don’t mean the physical (although that part was magical, and I’m blushing even now just thinking of your lips touching mine). What I mean is that intangible sense of strength you get when you feel you can trust again, when someone understands and accepts you despite your innumerable flaws. And I think that maybe you feel the same about me. At least, I hope that you do, because I’ve seen you – the real you. You are raw emotion and passion, power and dark rage, beauty and soul, compassion and tenderness. You confuse your depth with contradiction, and wage a senseless war against yourself because you feel you_ should be _a certain way. But you should just be you, because you are wondrous. We are all of us flawed creatures, some more than others, but in those flaws there is beauty. There’s no point in trying to be a perfect person, whatever that even means. Perfection is a lie we tell ourselves so that we strive to be better, but it’s unattainable. Don’t spend your life reaching for something that will always be outside your grasp. Just live your life well, Tom, and love. The world is a cold and lonely place without it. You taught me that, and I will be forever grateful to you for it and for so much else I can’t even put to words._

_I ask only this of you, and please honor it: take what time you need to mourn me, and move on. Don’t spiral down into that dark path so familiar to you on my account, because I can’t bear the thought of it. I was long dead before I met you. You brought me back briefly – a beautiful coda to a song full of sorrow – but this was not built to last. I like to think we were brought together for a reason, that we had something to give that the other sorely needed. You gave me what I needed and more, and I hope beyond I hope I have done the same for you. Promise me that when you feel your sadness turning to anger and your urges start to take hold, you’ll think about that. Think about the fact that, simply by virtue of being you, you made my life worth living. All the shit – every bit of it – I can stomach it now, having known the love of a good man. And you are a good man. Never let yourself think differently._

_With all my love eternal,_

_Lily_

 

He tried calling her over and over again but each time it went straight to a generic voicemail message. The mobile had clearly been turned off or destroyed, and that could mean only one thing – she was lost to him now. Whether Richard had found it or she’d cut herself off from him in her final moments, he didn’t know, but he knew in his heart she was gone. The letter had proved that much. She would never have let him read it if she thought she had even a sliver of a chance. He contemplated going to find her but he knew it was too late. If she’d done what she said she had to, this time Richard would show no mercy. He would let her die, maybe even watch it happen just to make sure she didn’t make it out again. And he knew he couldn’t go there. Richard would kill him. Of that he was now painfully sure.

 

The reality hit him hard and he felt her absence like a knife in the chest. The letter was all he had left of her now. He read it again, three, four times, begging for the catharsis of tears. When he couldn’t look at it anymore he sat frozen on the edge of the bed. He emptied his mind of all thoughts except her face. He clung to the image of Lily as he’d first seen her, willing himself to cry, but he couldn’t. Hours he sat there, waiting for something to happen, playing their short time together over and over in his head.

 

The tears came only when her image started to fade.

 

*****

 

Her eyelids were heavy, her breathing shallow. Her lungs were screaming for air but her body couldn’t oblige them. She felt nothing, her brain slowly shutting down and driving her towards her final rest. She barely registered the clang of something metal hitting the floor. With the last of her strength she forced her eyes open and saw the glint of light reflecting off of _something_. Her brain couldn’t process what it was but somehow instinctively she knew it was important. She summoned everything she had and pushed herself up to focus on the object. It took a moment but the word came to her slowly.

 

_Keys._

 

It took a while for her mind to register the significance, but as she forced herself to take deeper breaths and the oxygen brought thought more clearly, she realized what was happening. They were Donnie’s keys. The keys to the back door.

 

She willed herself to breathe but it was difficult. Her body was shutting down and there was little hope of fighting it. Part of her didn’t even want to, but Donnie had risked a lot to help her and she owed it to him to try. She tried to stand but her legs were jelly and she fell to the floor just short of where the keys lay. It took everything she had to reach them but she managed to get them in her grasp. She had to look to be able to tell she was holding them. Her extremities were long since numb and her fingers tinted blue. The distance from her room to the backdoor seemed impossible. She tried and tried to get herself up but her body wouldn’t budge. She lay there, clutching the lifeline, knowing it was too late to use it, and her body gave out. Her eyelids were too heavy to hold and darkness took her. The last thing she heard before her brain switched off was the sound of a door creaking on rusted hinges.


	14. Epilogue

_Three Years Later_

 

Tom had mourned her longer than he should have but he kept his unspoken promise to her and didn’t allow his darkness to take him. Even with all the bad press after the story, he’d stayed strong. It kept him honest and he had decided, against Luke’s wishes, to come clean to the media. It took a while, but people came around. They respected his commitment to truth, and after a while they let it go. His family and friends were there for him. They could see his pain was real and they saw that what he truly needed was support. But he could never have made it through that dark time without the memory of her, of all that she’d given him and all that she showed him he could be. Perhaps that was why he clung to her for so long after she’d gone. His love for her would never truly fade, but the memories gave him the strength to move forward, just as she’d asked him to.

 

He was working again now, happy that his professional commitment and talent were able to make up for his personal shortcomings. _The Hollow Crown_ had been a turning point and he was eternally grateful that he’d been allowed a chance to prove his mettle after all that had happened. It had taken almost two years, but he finally met someone. She was loving and kind and patient. She knew all about his past and understood his need to take things slow. He loved her deeply for that – for her understanding and acceptance. It was something he’d never known he needed before Lily had given it to him, and he would always love her for that even though he had finally given his heart over to another. He wasn’t afraid to love anymore. He had loved and lost and come out the other end stronger for it. He would carry Lily’s words with him forever and follow her advice. Because she was right, about everything. Without love, the world is a dark and lonely place. He would live well and love as she’d asked – to honor her memory and make her sacrifice meaningful. She was lost to him now but he carried her spirit with him like a guardian angel, lighting his way down the path to a happy life, leading him away from the darkness.

 

*****

 

She stood naked before the mirror in the bathroom, listening to the birds chirping in the trees that spread across the expanse of countryside surrounding their humble home. She’d changed her name, moved far away, left no trace she’d ever existed except in the memories of those who knew her and thought her long dead. Her scars had faded somewhat but they would always be there, a reminder of the life she’d left behind but also the new one she’d been granted. She placed her hands on the gentle swell of her belly – another new life coming shortly into this world. A life she swore she would protect and nurture. And she knew she could do it with him by her side.

 

She’d met Charles in rehab about a month after she’d come out of the coma. He knew everything there was to know about her and he loved her with every fiber of his being. They had waited a long time to be together after they left the facility, taking things slow, adjusting to their sobriety, letting their painful pasts fade before embarking on a new journey together. It was a long time before she was able to be intimate with him. The memories of what she had suffered made it difficult, and the first few times they tried she found herself thinking about Tom and felt it would be a betrayal to continue with thoughts of another man floating through her head. But eventually she was able to move on. Tom existed now only as a happy memory. What they shared, however brief, had given her the strength she needed to start over. He had taught her how to love, and without him she never would have let Charles in. This new life she had would not have been possible, and she would be forever grateful to him for that. She could only hope he felt the same.

 

Charles knew all about Tom, and he did his best to shield her from all the magazines and reports that had come out after the story broke, but for a long time they were everywhere. But Tom had stayed strong. He had been honest and forthcoming about what happened and people had respected that. It didn’t hurt his story that he thought she’d met a tragic end. It made him appear more sympathetic and people were able to forgive. They saw him as just a man who fell in love with the wrong woman – their story a twisted, modern-day Romeo and Juliet. It was something most everyone could relate to on some level. He was even working again, about to star in some Shakespeare adaptation on BBC. She didn’t think she’d be able to watch it, but she was proud of him. He looked happy and healthy in the few pictures she’d seen. She didn’t know if he had a woman in his life, but she prayed that he did. He deserved love. It was all she ever wanted for him, even though she knew now it was never meant to be her.


End file.
